


Underneath This Sky

by NordicsAwesome



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: :), And like a little bit of angst, But everything’s okay in the end, Cerebral Palsy, Emil is sassy, Fluff, Happy Ending, Human AU, I dont know how to tag help, M/M, Physical Disability
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-07-27
Packaged: 2019-05-18 17:36:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14857160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NordicsAwesome/pseuds/NordicsAwesome
Summary: When Lukas needs to assign a caretaker for his younger brother with cerebral palsy, he doesn’t expect Matthias Køhler, his irritating former classmate and high school jock, to rise to the challenge. As the two of them begin to bond, they start to realise that their relationship goes beyond caring for Emil and into something else entirely.(In which Matthias is pining, Lukas is oblivious, and Emil just wishes they would get their shit together and kiss already.)





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! This is far from my first fanfic, but it’s the first I’ve posted on this site :D This fic is entirely prewritten, with seven chapters in total, so it should be updated pretty frequently. I hope you enjoy it, and a huge thank you to the awesome Pasta and Sin for beta-reading this story! :)
> 
> Disclaimer: Sadly, I don’t own Hetalia. This story, however, is mine.

### Chapter One

Lukas had always hated working at Super Chicken, but even so, it’s a shock to find himself rattling home on the bus at midday with a cardboard box of his possessions balanced in his lap and a letter of dismissal in his pocket.

He supposes he should be relieved – he won’t have to waste another hour of his life in that disgusting, greasy restaurant serving those disgusting, greasy customers – but now the initial euphoria has worn off, he’s beginning to realise just how much of a predicament he’s truly in. Super Chicken had been an awful workplace, but it had paid well – or at least, enough to cover the groceries and Emil’s medical bills – and now, he calculates that with exactly no income save Emil’s benefits, they have approximately two weeks before they hit rock bottom.

Fucking brilliant. 

The bus judders to a stop and Lukas jolts forward with it, the box sliding in his lap. It doesn’t contain much; just a paperback book, an empty flask, an umbrella and a notepad, but the looks of sympathy he’s receiving from the other passengers don’t help to improve his mood. Pity has never gone down well with Lukas. 

And then, as if this day couldn’t get any worse, a body thumps down into the seat next to him. 

“Lukas! Hey!” 

For God’s sake. He turns in his seat, intending to glare at whatever idiot thought it was a good idea to take the seat beside his on a near-empty bus, but stops when he catches sight of his face.

“Matthias?”

“That’s me! God, it’s been ages. I haven’t seen you since – wow, since graduation! How’ve you been doing?”

Matthias looks just the same as he always had. Broad shoulders, an open, cheerful face with a radiant grin and wild blond hair that sticks up all over his head in gelled spikes, and electric blue eyes that sparkle with enthusiasm. Despite being the strongest jock in the school football team, he had always been a literal puppy, tumbling around on the playing field with his teammates as if there wasn’t a game at stake. He was the kind of person who threw himself headfirst into everything he did – advisable or not – but managed to get himself out of the consequences with an innocent grin and a promise to ‘never do it again.’

Lukas furrows his eyebrows and gestures to the box. “How do you think I’m doing?”

“Ooh.” Matthias even has the audacity to grin at that. “Doing the ride of shame, are we?”

“I was fired,” he informs him flatly.

“Didn’t you use to work at that fast food place near the east junction? The fried chicken one? How did you manage to get fired from the trashiest fast food joint in town?”

Lukas blinks at him, surprised. Despite Matthias’ enthusiastic greeting, the two of them had barely spoken two sentences to one another throughout high school, and hadn’t kept in contact since. It would be a stretch to even call them distant acquaintances. How Matthias knows about his job at Super Chicken is a complete mystery.

“Apparently, I didn’t treat the clients with due respect,” he says drily. “My boss says that customer service is evidently not my forte. He recommends a career in mining.”

“Mining?” His face crumples in confusion. “Why mining?”

“Presumably so they can shove me down a dark hole in the ground and never speak to me again.” 

He shifts slightly in his seat, angling his back to Matthias. Although Lukas has nothing against communication in general, he has too much on his mind to want to make conversation, especially with someone as excitable as Matthias. The bright, cheerful voice is already beginning to grate in his temples like a high-pitched electric drill. Of course, Matthias doesn’t take the hint.

“Ha, that’s hilarious! I forgot how funny you were, Lukas.” Lukas huffs. “So what are you gonna do now?”

The dreaded question. He shrugs, his face a cool mask of composure. “Find another job, obviously.”

“But where?” 

“I don’t know, anywhere. There are plenty of jobs available, and I have a good CV.”

Matthias squints at him for a moment, unconvinced. “My cousin’s bakery’s hiring, if you’re interested. I remember you always liked baking.”

Christ, how does Matthias know so much about him? It’s slightly unsettling. “I’ll think about it,” he says shortly. He hates accepting help from anyone, but if it’s for the sake of his brother, he’ll do it. “What are the hours?”

“Uh…I can’t remember. It’s the afternoon shift, I think, so like, late afternoon to early evening.”

“Oh. Never mind, then.” The tiny spark of hope in his chest flickers and dies. “I’m busy in the evenings.”

Matthias looks at him incredulously. “ _Every_ evening?” 

Lukas feels the unwarranted urge to punch him. Matthias is such a privileged, sheltered rich kid, he probably has no idea what it’s like to have someone depend on him. “Yes. I have to look after my younger brother. That’s the only reason I worked at Super Chicken, because it coincides with his school hours.” The bus slows and rattles, and Lukas stands up abruptly. “This is my stop.” 

Lukas steps off the bus, box cradled in his arms, and gives a sigh of relief. _Finally_. Conversation always drains him, especially on days like today when he feels choked with worry and guilt. He allows himself to breathe, slowly in and out, until footsteps sound on the pavement behind him and he turns to see Matthias standing there, grinning, as the bus pulls away with a heaving exhale.

“I got off a stop early so I could walk with you!”

If he had any hands free, he would facepalm. “Great. How wonderful.” 

Matthias doesn’t detect his lack of enthusiasm. He half-skips, half-jogs alongside him, beaming. “So you just need someone to take care of your brother, right? That’s easy! I used to babysit my neighbour’s kids all the time when I was in middle school. I’ll look after your little brother while you do your shift at the bakery, no problem. How old is he – five, six?”

Lukas fixes him with a deadpan stare. “Fourteen.”

As expected, Matthias’ brow furrows. “Fourteen? No offence, Luke, but when I was fourteen I could easily stay at home by myself for a full day. Aren’t you being a little overprotective?” 

He doesn’t break his gaze as he rattles off, unflinching, “He has severe cerebral palsy with hypotonic quadriparesis, permanent wheelchair user, needs help eating, dressing and using the bathroom, complications with epilepsy and respiratory function, takes eight different medications three times daily, visits doctors once every three weeks, sometimes more often. Are you still willing to take the job?”

Matthias blinks. “Uh, yeah.”

“What?”

“Yeah, I can take the job. I mean, you’ll have to tell me more about it – Hell, I don’t have a clue what half those words mean – but I have a cousin with cerebral palsy, so I know the basics. I’ll look after him in the evenings if you want. Provided he’s okay with it, that is.” 

Lukas is astounded. He’s managed to persuade neighbours and acquaintances to watch Emil occasionally for a few hours, but no one has ever stepped forward and directly offered their services once knowing what it entails. Especially not irritating, immature Matthias Køhler.

“You know I can’t pay you for it, right?”

“Oh I know, that’s not a problem.” Matthias waves him off easily. Damn rich kids. “I already earn some cash for coaching down at the rec centre, anyways. I’m offering to do this because I want to. Help a friend and all that.” 

Perhaps it’s because of the way he’s been living the past few years, but Lukas is suspicious. When living in the ripple pool of a loved one with a disability, you have to develop skin as thick as leather to withstand some of the blows life hurls at you; genuine kindness doesn’t come frequently, and every well-intentioned comment has to be double and triple-checked for a hidden meaning.

In Matthias’ offer, he finds no such thing. Matthias is open and honest and seems sincerely willing to help. Even so, Lukas finds himself asking, “How do I know I can trust you?” 

Matthias presses a hand to his heart, feigning hurt. “Am I really that untrustworthy to you? I thought we were friends! Do you really believe I would let anything happen to your little brother?” 

Lukas has to concede that no, he doesn’t. Matthias may be an idiot, but inside, he knows that he is a genuinely good person. He always was.

“Alright. I’ll talk to Emil about it.”

“Great!” Matthias whips out a pen and a scrap of paper. “I’ll give you my number so you can call me later. I’ll note down the number for Ber’s bakery as well, and I’ll make sure to put in a good word for you.” 

Lukas feels slightly overwhelmed. Matthias is brimming with kindness, it spills out into every gesture and action that he takes, but he doesn’t even seem to notice it. He wonders what it would be like, to be so open and forgiving and free. “Well…thanks. I’ll be in touch.”

“No problem!” They turn at the end of the street to go their separate ways, but Matthias twists round to yell; “And Lukas! Don’t worry, okay! This’ll be a piece of cake!”

. . . 

 

“A piece of cake?” Emil cackles when Lukas relays their conversation over dinner that evening. “Did he really use those words? Oh boy, is he in for a treat!”

“Don’t be difficult for him, Emil,” Lukas scolds mildly, raising a spoonful of rice to Emil’s lips. “He means well.” 

“They all do,” he grumbles. “God, don’t tell me he’s going to be one of those earnest well-wishers who run away in tears after finding out they have to wipe my ass.” 

Lukas smirks at the image. “No, Matthias isn’t like that.” 

“I thought you barely knew him?” 

“That’s true.” Sometimes, Lukas wishes his brother wasn’t quite so sharp-witted. It makes it very difficult for him to win him over on anything. “But we talked today on the bus, and he seemed…nice. Enthusiastic.”

“Enthusiastic? Dear Lord.”

“Don’t pull that face at me. He might be an idiot, but he knows what he’s doing. He has a cousin with cerebral palsy, so he knows all the basics of caring and emergency aid.”

“Well, that’s some comfort at least.” Although he and Emil don’t look extremely alike – Emil’s hair is far lighter, and his eyes are a pale violet in contrast to Lukas’ icy blue – from the moment they open their mouths, it’s obvious to anyone that they’re related. Lukas has no doubt who Emil picked up his near-permanent sarcastic tone from. “Does he even know CPR?”

“Of course he does. As if I’d let anyone near you without CPR training.”

Emil still seems sceptical. “Emergency seizure response?”

“Yes.”

“Heimlich?” 

“Of course. Listen, Emil; Matthias is an annoying, immature idiot, but he’s not going to let you die on his watch.” He pauses. “But it’s your choice. If you really don’t want him to look after you, I can always look for a job elsewhere.” 

As a caretaker and older brother, Lukas knows he can be overbearing and far too protective, but in the end, it’s always Emil’s choice. No matter how much he wants to sometimes, he will never decide anything for Emil without consulting him first. His brother deserves at least that much control over his own life.

To his relief, Emil gives a tiny grin. “I was just winding you up, Luke. I know how much you want that job at the bakery. Go ahead and apply, I don’t mind having this Matthias guy look after me. But I’m warning you – if he messes up, you die.” 

“Thanks, Emil.” He reaches across the table and rubs a hand in his hair, eliciting a noise of protest. He and Emil may not be overly affectionate by siblings’ standards, but he knows that they have a close affinity and understanding that goes beyond the usual brotherly love. Even before their parents had left, he and Emil had cared for each other far more than their parents ever had.

“Yeah, yeah.” But Emil is still smiling.

“Right.” Lukas stands up and starts gathering plates and bowls and cutlery. “I’ll let Matthias know what we’ve decided. Now, if you’ll excuse me,” he turns in the doorway and throws him a small, sly smile. “I have some phone calls to make.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Feel free to follow or leave kudos, or leave a comment to let me know what you thought - I’d love to hear your opinions :D


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the second chapter of Underneath This Sky! Thank you so much to everyone who bookmarked and left kudos on this fic, and of course thank you to Pasta and Sin for beta-reading this chapter!
> 
> Warning: this chapter does contain very brief ableist thoughts (out of ignorance rather than malice).

### Chapter Two

A week after their surprise meeting, Matthias finds himself standing on Lukas’ doorstep listening to the chime of the doorbell echo inside the house. It’s four o’clock on a cool Monday afternoon, and there is just enough of a breeze to make Matthias’ chequered shirt ripple against his back.

The exterior of the house says nothing about its inhabitants. It is bland and almost remarkably ordinary, with faded reddish-brown bricks and white-painted window frames, and the only things that set it apart from the neighbouring houses are the large plastic handles either side of the door and the ramp running down from the doorstep. The entire place has a closed-off atmosphere that makes Matthias feel slightly unwelcome.

There is the shuffle of footsteps behind the door, then it eases open to reveal Lukas’ unsmiling face.

“Oh. Hello, Matthias.” 

He has never heard a flatter greeting but he grins nonetheless. “Hey, Lukas! What’s up?”

He is once again met with a blank stare. “You’re late.”

“Oh, haha, yeah.” He rubs the back of his neck sheepishly. “Sorry about that. One of the kids on the football team sprained his ankle, so I had to wait behind for his parents to come pick him up. I hope it’s not a problem. Your shift doesn’t start till five, right?” Lukas gives him a strange look, so he hastens to clarify, saying, “My cousin owns the bakery, so we keep in touch.”

“Right,” he replies slowly. “I guess you’d better come in.” 

Lukas opens the door wider and Matthias steps past him into the short hallway. It has more personality than the outside of the house, with framed photographs on the wall and a potted plant in the corner (he can’t tell if it’s real or not), and a chunky grey contraption – a stair lift – running along the left hand side of the staircase directly opposite. The hallway is immaculate, with none of the typical household clutter scattered about the hardwood floors, while still managing to give the impression of a place that’s _lived in_. There are only two pairs of shoes in the shoe rack by the door, and Matthias wonders where the parents are.

“Nice house,” he says, because it’s practically the law to say something like that at this point. 

Lukas just shrugs noncommittally. “Mm. You can take your shoes off here, but you don’t have to.”

“I’d better. I was out coaching the kids on the field so they’re probably covered in mud.” He reaches down to unlace his trainers, feeling awkward. Matthias is usually good at conversation – he’s cheerful and talkative and treats everyone like a best friend, and people tend to like him – so he isn’t quite sure how to respond to Lukas’ icy indifference. In some ways, it’s quite refreshing. 

And then of course, there’s the whole high school crush issue.

He and Lukas had barely spoken a word to one another throughout high school. As a popular jock, role model and football captain, projecting his raging homosexuality around the school campus wouldn’t have been in his best interests, so he remained tightly closeted until well past graduation, when he had lost contact with the kind of high schoolers who were rumoured to corner gay pupils in the locker rooms and threaten them; meaning that he could only watch Lukas, the quiet, unassuming violinist and almost permanent library resident, from afar. He had tried to stalk him on facebook ( _tried to_ ; Lukas’ profile was completely private, and he had ignored his friend request) and had listened intently to any rumours he heard about him. That’s how he had known of Lukas’ unlikely decision not to go to University, and his even more unlikely job placement at Super Chicken.

When they had left graduation without exchanging contact details, Matthias had thought he was over him. Until, two years later, he had seen him on the bus with a cardboard box and an expression of such resigned sadness that of course, he had to speak to him and reignite this whole painful spiral all over again. 

He ponders this – curses himself for what he’s gotten into – as Lukas gives him a tour of the house, demonstrating the adapted shower and showing him how to work the stair lift. It astonishes him, the calm efficiency with which he discusses this; Matthias had never even considered how much responsibility Lukas had at home. It makes a little more sense, now, that he would prefer to be quiet and alone in school.

“I suppose you know what you’re doing now,” he says, and Matthias jumps a little. Lukas has explained a lot, but it seems like nowhere near enough to sustain an actual living person. “If you forget, I have a list of instructions pinned to the noticeboard in the kitchen. Assuming you can read, that is.”

“Ha!” The laugh escapes him before he can stop it, because Matthias has always loved Lukas’ icy brand of humour. He decides to overlook the fact that the joke is obviously at his expense. “I mean, yeah, don’t worry, I can read.” 

“Good. You can ask Emil if there’s anything you don’t know already.”

“Okay. Yeah, okay, cool, I’ll…do that.” Jeez, where has this awkward, uncomfortable guy come from? He normally has far more social skills than this. He was nominated for prom king in high school, for God’s sake.

Lukas, fortunately, seems more amused than anything else. “Alright. In that case, I’ll take you to meet Emil, then I need to leave.”

“Great! I can’t wait to meet him.”

It’s an awful thing to admit, but when Lukas had first told him about Emil, he had imagined a weak, sickly-looking boy dressed in loose sweatpants, slouched limply in a wheelchair. He knew the kid could speak, of course, but the rest had been left to his largely uninformed imagination. Certainly, he wasn’t expecting him to be anything like the kid who’s sitting before him now.

For one thing, he’s a _hipster_. Matthias hadn’t known that kids with disabilities could be hipsters, but Emil – with his white lace-up boots, oversized skinny jeans that bunch at the knees, denim jacket unbuttoned over a black band t-shirt – definitely is one. He even has the fucking glasses.

The next thing that hits him is how _normal_ he looks. Everything he’s heard about people with severe disabilities makes them out to be tragic heroes, but Emil doesn’t look a bit ‘tragic’ or ‘hero’. He’s just an ordinary teenage boy, sitting up straight in his wheelchair and regarding him with a sort of sardonic curiosity, as if he’s the one who needs to care for Matthias rather than the other way round. There’s a sarcastic quirk to his lips, and one eyebrow is raised with mock patience as he waits for Matthias to gather himself.

“Don’t worry, take as long as you need,” he says in the kind of condescending voice that should _not_ come out of a fourteen-year-old, holy shit. “Tell me when you’re quite done staring so that we can make introductions.” 

“Oh! Uh…” He runs a hand through his already messy hair and attempts a composed grin, as if he knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s pretty sure it comes out as a grimace. “Sorry. I’m Matthias, nice to meet you, kid.”

He shoves out a hand in greeting. Emil just stares flatly at him for a long moment, then looks over his shoulder towards Lukas. “Lukas, we’re five minutes in and he’s messed up already. Is it too late to fire him?”

“ _Emil_.” He sounds exasperated, but with a brotherly fondness that he wouldn’t have imagined coming from Lukas. It’s amazing how much you can learn about someone just from the chance to spend a few minutes in their life. “Be nice. I’ll be home around half eight. There’s food in the fridge, and you can call me if anything goes wrong.”

“Thanks,” Matthias says. He feels utterly out of his depth, as if someone has just thrown him into the deep end and taken away his cute Nemo pool floaties, but knows that he needs to appear confident and reliable. Fake it till you make it. “But we’ll be fine, won’t we, buddy? We’ll have a great time.”

Emil sighs deeply, as though exhaling all the suffering of the world combined. “Sure we will, _buddy_.” 

“ _Tch_ , Emil,” Lukas scolds again. He crosses the room and straightens Emil’s collar then his hair, and Matthias watches as the kid flushes and squirms in embarrassment. “I’ll see you later, okay? Try not to burn the house down.”

“No promises,” Emil mutters after his retreating back, and Matthias has to bite down a grin. This kid has some serious sass going.

Then he turns to Matthias. “So, you’re Matthias.”

“Yep! And you’re Emil.”

Emil raises an eyebrow. “Well aren’t you clever.”

He blinks. “Uh…”

There’s beat of silence, then Emil rolls his eyes. “Seriously, I’m just messing with you. There’s no need to be so nervous. It’s not like I’m going to leap out of this chair and attack you, am I?” 

“Ha, I guess not. Sorry, kid, I guess I’m just not used to doing stuff like this.”

“Stuff like what?” The kid seems almost delighted to pounce on his choice of words. His eyes are gleaming. “Social interaction? Hanging out with someone younger than you? Actual work?”

Matthias doesn’t know why this kid seems determined to wind him up, but whatever the reason, it’s working. “For your information, kid, I spend every morning teaching elementary school kids how to play football down at the rec centre, so I’m very used to working, thanks.”

“Ooh.” He pretends to be shocked. “So you’re used to dealing with the sporty, active type. Sorry, I think you’re going to be disappointed. The most I do is Wii Sports, and shooting people on video games.” 

Matthias starts. “You can play video games?” He asks dumbly, then instantly regrets it, because _seriously, Matt, there was no need to sound so surprised_. 

“Uh, yeah?” Emil lifts his right hand from the control panel and waves it. The movement is stiff and uncoordinated, but fairly functional. “How do you think I’ve survived this long?”

Matthias grins. “I feel ya, kid. Do you have Defence League?

“Obviously. Everyone has that. I could beat anyone at it, blindfolded.” 

“Are you sure about that, kid?” He feels a smirk begin to spread across his face. “Do you know who won the regional tournament for that game the year before last?”

Emil gapes at him. “No way. _No way_. Oh my god, we have to play together.”

“Still think you can beat me?” 

“Well _yeah, I can beat anyone_.” 

“I’m gonna remember you said that so I can rub it in your face when you lose.”

“Hah! You wish.” He shifts his hand on the control panel and the wheelchair makes a whirring noise and turns towards the door. “Come on, you’re going to have to help me set it up.”

 

. . . 

 

Matthias is pretty sure this wasn’t what Lukas had intended when he’d asked him to look after his brother, but it works. By the time he comes home in the evening, he and Emil have been sitting in front of the television for almost three hours straight, battling through the levels of Defence League.

And Emil is good. Matthias had never thought he’d find someone who matched his level of skill – all his old school friends had stopped challenging him after a while, because they couldn’t bear the humiliating defeat – but this snarky fourteen-year-old kid is damn impressive.

“You should’a entered the tournament, kid,” Matthias tells him as the screen reloads after a spectacular victory.

Emil just raises his shoulder in a jerky imitation of a shrug. “Nah. My parents didn’t exactly let me do stuff back then.” 

“Didn’t let you do stuff?” He asks, confused. “Like…what stuff?”

“Stuff in general.” His tone is completely casual, but Matthias thinks he can detect a faint undertone of bitterness. “I guess they figured it was just easier for them to do everything for me. It’s only after they left that I realised there were actually things I could do myself. You know, like talk to people myself instead of through them.” 

“Wow, kid. That’s… messed up.” Matthias can’t quite get his head around all of this. He’s trying to work out the way Emil’s life pieces together. Their parents neglected them, and then they…left? Leaving Lukas, a teenager, to look after his little brother with a severe disability as well as working and trying to graduate high school. Matthias could never imagine having a family like that. Somehow, Emil’s calm tone only makes it worse. 

Imagine being so used to being disregarded and ignored that it doesn’t even upset you anymore.

“Yeah, well.” Emil shrugs again, carefully navigates his fingers across the game controller. “That’s life, and it’s over now. Why don’t we start again?”

He presses the ‘restart’ button on the level, and the conversation is over.

When Lukas gets home they’re still sitting there in a mass of cushions and blankets. After dinner (which Matthias managed to cook with only minimal help from hastily Googled recipes) Emil decided he wanted to be moved to the couch and is now sitting, half propped up by cushions and half by Matthias.

Matthias only realises how useless he must look when he sees Lukas’ eyebrows shoot up. “Emil, please tell me you two haven’t been playing video games for four hours.” 

“‘Course not.” The lie comes so easily, so convincingly, that it’s almost impossible not to let the shock register on his face. “I did all my homework, we had dinner, and we did some of the exercises the therapist recommended. We’ve only just started playing now.” 

“Really?” Lukas seems unconvinced, but he accepts it.

Before he leaves, Matthias leans down to whisper to Emil. “Why did you say that stuff, kid? I didn’t do any of that. I didn’t even know you had homework. You made me sound way more competent than I really am.”

“Because I like you,” Emil says, as if it’s obvious. “You treat me like an equal – like an actual human being. Sure, you’re incompetent and stupid and have no idea what you’re doing, but you’ll learn. It wouldn’t hurt to make a good impression on Lukas.”

Matthias is touched. “Wow. Thanks, kid.”

Emil brushes it off awkwardly. “I do have a name, you know.”

“Hm…” He pretends to think. “Nah, I’m just gonna keep on calling you ‘kid’.”

Emil rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling. And when Lukas walks him to the door, he’s smiling too, if only a little.

“Thank you,” Lukas says. His cheeks are dusted with pink, and he doesn’t meet his eyes. “Today, it helped. Emil seems happy with you. He’s not normally okay with other people looking after him.” 

Matthias feels the corners of his mouth tug up into a smile. “I’m glad. He’s a great kid.”

Lukas’ gaze softens. “I know.”

They look at each other for a moment, and Matthias feels something skip in his chest – something that reminds him startlingly of how he felt in high school. _Shit_. He clears his throat and backs towards the door.

“I’m, uh, gonna go now. I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”

Lukas nods. He already has a hand on the doorframe. “See you tomorrow.”

He steps down onto the ramp and walks to the gate. He looks back over his shoulder and waves, but the door is already shut, and the window is empty.

. . . 

Matthias does see him tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that. 

At first it’s only weekdays, but soon it’s weekends as well. It’s more work, but Matthias doesn’t mind. Every day, he hurries home from the rec centre, changes into clothes that aren’t covered in mud and sweat, and is outside Lukas’ house before he needs to leave for work. Lukas will set off a few minutes later, and Matthias and Emil generally sit on the couch and play video games or do homework (Matthias always offers to help, but Emil is smarter than him and almost always refuses) or just talk. 

It’s nice. Hanging out with Emil doesn’t feel like being with someone younger than him, and it doesn’t feel like caring for someone with a disability, either. Of course, there isn’t a lot Emil can do for himself. Whenever he needs to eat, or needs the bathroom, or even just wants to move from his wheelchair to the couch, he needs Matthias to lift him and feed him and all the… slightly less pleasant parts. Emil has voice recognition on his phone so he can text and research, but he can’t write. He can type, just about – his hand tensed into a loose fist, like a coiled spring, one shaky finger extended and stabbing at the screen, his tongue poking out in concentration – but it’s slow and painful, and he quickly grows frustrated when his hand spasms and he presses the wrong key. In the end, Matthias usually helps him with that as well.

But it isn’t awkward. Matthias had thought it would be… well, _embarrassing_ to have to do all these things for a teenager, but Emil is so matter-of-fact and obviously used to it that, after their initial discomfort, it quickly becomes a routine so natural that he doesn’t even need to think about it. Over time, he learns to read Emil without words; he knows when Emil wants something, before he even opens his mouth, knows when he wants to be left alone or have company, knows when he’s tired or in pain, even before he knows it himself. Matthias supposes this is what it means to be a big brother.

And over time, he gets to know Lukas as well.

Despite the image Lukas gives off, Matthias quickly learns that his cold exterior is nothing more than a visage; a thin sheet of ice covering a dusty heart. It only takes a little warmth to make it melt away, like winter thawing gradually into spring, and it becomes clear just how many layers there are to Lukas below the surface.

There’s the loving big brother; the Lukas who cares for his little brother more than anyone else in the world; the Lukas who only appears through soft glances and tiny touches and a protectiveness that almost borders on paranoid. The one who chews on his lips and clenches his delicate hands and worries constantly – _constantly_ , and Matthias can’t imagine what it must be to live like that – and always has violet shadows beneath those shuttered eyes. That part of Lukas makes him deeply sad, and bitter about the injustice of fate.

And then there’s the angry Lukas. The Lukas who is all ice and glares and light slaps to the head, insults slipped into conversations so lightly that it takes Matthias a moment to realise what has been said. He becomes accustomed to being “the idiot” every time he does something wrong, and everything he gets right is “not bad for such an idiot”. After the first few times, it doesn’t even sting, because he knows this is just the way Lukas is. This is the aftermath of neglect and betrayal and far too much responsibility for someone so young.

And then there’s just…Lukas. Matthias only catches glimpses of him in the evening when they say goodbye, when he’s honest and vulnerable and sort of softened around the edges. This is the Lukas who watches him with hesitant, hopeful eyes and smothered smiles and tiny huffs of laughter, who touches his arm lightly in the doorway to thank him. He looks at him with parted lips as though there’s something he wants to say but doesn’t quite dare. Matthias wants to shake him gently and say to him, _“you can tell me anything,”_ but that would be hypocritical because there is one huge, ground-breaking thing that Matthias isn’t telling Lukas, and probably never will. 

It’s the real Lukas that Matthias longs to know, because when he sees him, it’s like the sun coming out from behind the clouds. He lives for moments like that.

Like the day when Lukas comes home from the bakery to find Matthias and Emil in the kitchen, painting.

“What’s this?” He asks, and he looks so adorably confused that Matthias wants to laugh (and maybe kiss that tiny smudge of flour off his nose. God, he needs to stop.).

Matthias spits out his paintbrush and grins. “We’re painting!” He says. 

And technically, they are. After finding out that Emil had never done any painting in his life, he had decided that needed to change:

_“Your parents sound like crap. Didn’t they ever, like, stick your drawings to the fridge or anything?”_

__

_“What drawings? I can’t draw.”_

__

_“But what about with your mouth? People can do that, can’t they? I bet you could.”_

__

_“Dunno. I’ve heard people put paintbrushes in their mouth and stuff, but I’ve never tried.”_

__

_“Wait…you mean you’ve never painted before?”_

__

_“Nope.”_

__

_“Jesus Christ, kid. Have you even lived?”_

 

The result of their conversation had been a journey to the local supermarket to get kids’ poster paint and brushes, and the now multi-coloured mess of paint covered the dining table. Matthias hadn’t thought to lay out any newspaper until it was too late. 

Lukas blinks, looking between the two of them. “I can… see that.”

“Neat, right?”

“It’s fucking difficult.” Emil spits out his brush into the smears of blue and silver and white that streak across his page. “This was Matt’s idea, not mine.”

“You’re painting,” Lukas repeats. Despite his cool, composed exterior, Matthias has found that he is very easily fazed. He seems to find everything Matthias does fascinating and slightly bewildering.

“Yeah! With our mouths. Emil was doing it and he said it was hard, so I tried too and _woah_ , it is not as easy as it looks. I mean, not that it looks easy to begin with.”

Lukas’ face is blank. It’s making Matthias a little nervous. Then, he crosses the room and looks over his shoulder. He snorts. “What’s that supposed to be?”

“It’s you, of course!” He pretends to be offended. “Can’t you see? Look, there’s your head, and there’s your hair, and the little dots are your eyes, and those are your – well, that’s your arm, I think you’ve only got one in this, oops.” Lukas stays silent. “Luke? C’mon, you’re not offended, right? You don’t really look like that. You look way more…” _Beautiful._ “Human.”

An involuntary splutter of laughter erupts from his throat.. “Thank you, Matthias,” he says drily. “It’s always flattering to know I look human.”

“No, no, I mean! You look like a – really, uh, good-looking human. Like, an aesthetic human. Like, if we met some aliens and they were like, _‘what should a human look like?’_ , I would show them you because you’re a very attra – um, nice-looking human.” 

“You want a shovel for that hole?” Emil is smirking at him across the table, eyes glimmering with mirth. Matthias flicks paint at his face.

“Shut it, kid.” 

Lukas is smiling now. He has his hand covering his mouth so Matthias can only see it in the crinkle of his eyes. He wishes Lukas wouldn’t do that, hide his smile. Surely, the world should want to know how happy he is.

Matthias picks up his painting (more like peels it from the sticky table) and presents it to him with a flourish. “For you.”

Lukas blushes. It’s only subtle, but it’s there. “Thank you.” He takes it carefully between his thumb and forefinger, careful not to touch the wet paint, and looks at it critically. He’s not impressed, Matthias can tell, but he’s touched. “I’ll stick it on the fridge.”

“And mine too?” Emil sounds so childlike that Matthias wants to laugh, until he remembers that this is his first ever painting in fourteen years. Something warm tugs at his heartstrings, because _he did this_. 

“Yours too.” Lukas takes the paintings and sticks them both to the fridge door. They’re undeniably awful – they look as though they’ve been done by a three-year-old – but they make the kitchen look brighter and more alive, and when Lukas studies them, he’s smiling.

“Stay for supper,” he tells Matthias abruptly. “I have leftovers from the bakery.”

He lifts up the paper bag by his feet. It smells fresh and warm and homely, and Matthias can’t find it in him to refuse.

. . . 

They fall into a rhythm after that. Matthias always stays for supper – Lukas stops asking after a while, because it’s such a given - and each day stays later and later. The three of them eat together around the table, then, he and Lukas put Emil to bed and creep back downstairs to the couch. 

And then they talk.

Matthias has never learnt so much about anyone as he has with Lukas. Even with Gilbert and Alfred and his other close school friends, he barely scratched the surface compared to Lukas. They talk about anything and everything.

Lukas tells Matthias about his time in high school, playing Dungeons and Dragons in the library with Vlad and Arthur. When Matthias teases him for being a nerd, he punches him lightly and says, “There’s nothing wrong with Dungeons and Dragons, you heathen,” and promises that he’ll teach him how to play someday. Matthias honestly couldn’t care about the game, but the promise of _someday_ makes him agree immediately.

Matthias tells him about the rowdy friendship of the football team, the deep-set loyalty masked by vulgarity and bawdiness. He tells him about his coaching apprenticeship, the anecdotes from his team, the way he was almost scouted for the official team but was pushed from his spot by a massive Russian who had tackled him so hard he couldn’t breathe in without wincing for an entire week. 

Lukas had laughed at that. Apparently, hearing about Matthias in pain was funny to him.

They had talked about their shared Scandinavian heritage, their love of old Norse poetry, their longing to go back there someday. 

“We should travel there together,” he had said, only half joking, but Lukas had just glanced up in the direction of Emil’s bedroom and hadn’t replied. 

They would curl up on the couch together – no television, no music – just him and Lukas in the lamplight, until the clock showed almost midnight and they would panic and laugh and Matthias would hurry out the door in a flurry of whispers. 

The first time Lukas had fallen asleep on him, Matthias had frozen. He had barely dared to breathe in case the rise and fall of his abdomen would wake him, and he would sit up and leave him cold and alone. He hadn’t moved an inch for over an hour, until the clock chimed and Lukas had yawned and sat up, his hair fluffy and kitten-like, and had mumbled reluctantly that it was probably time for Matthias to leave. He had been so tired that it hadn’t even been awkward.

It began to happen more and more often, until eventually it became a habit. When their conversation tapered into the occasional murmur, Lukas would shift sideways and lay his head in Matthias’ lap, and Matthias would tentatively stroke his hair until he fell asleep. Lukas had once told him that he slept lightly so he would hear if Emil called for him in the night, but with Matthias he slept like the dead.

One night, Matthias fell asleep with him. They had both woken at five in the morning with confused expressions and bleary eyes.

“If you’d wanted to spend the night, you could have said so,” Lukas had said, and Matthias hadn’t known if he was joking or not, so he had just laughed and apologised. He made sure never to fall asleep like that again. 

In fact, he was careful around Lukas from then on, because he had quickly realised that he was beginning to fall again. That was something he couldn’t let happen.

One thing he and Lukas had never spoken about was their love life. Matthias himself had had the typical string of blonde-haired, bubblegum-scented cheerleader girlfriends throughout high school, whom he had treated with only distant kindness. They used him to improve their reputation and he used them to preserve his. If the star player of the football team didn’t have a girlfriend, there would have been rumours. 

As for Lukas, he hadn’t asked. As far as he knows, Lukas hadn’t had a girlfriend in high school, but he hadn’t had a boyfriend either. There were no rumours about his sexuality – probably because the kinds of people who came up with those rumours didn’t even know he existed. Perhaps Lukas didn’t date at all. It didn’t seem right to ask.

But sometimes, Matthias gets the impression that Lukas feels the same way. Just occasionally, there’ll be a glance across the table, a meeting of eyes that lasts just a little too long, a blush when hands brush accidentally (or on purpose). Emil seems to notice it as well, as he often finds an excuse to leave them in the room together, and tends to lapse into a silence so sincere it makes him almost invisible when they talk. Sometimes, Matthias forgets they’re not alone; feels the urge to kiss Lukas on the edge of his mouth where the tiny hints of smiles curl upwards, on the cheeks that flush delicate pink when they meet each other’s eyes, on the piece of hair that falls forward across his forehead in a soft blonde cascade.

Then he stops himself, because he can never do that.

Matthias isn’t a greedy person. He may be arrogant at times, thoughtless, overconfident, but he knows what he’s allowed, and for now it’s just this. The evening talks, the time they spend together, the unspoken messages that he can’t quite grasp, that slip like smoke through his fingers. And that’s okay.

He wants more, of course. And perhaps Lukas does too. But for now, this is all he can have, and this is enough.

 

(If only he could make himself believe it.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Feel free to leave kudos, or leave a comment to tell me what you thought :D
> 
> I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this, but this fic is posted on FanFiction under the same title and username if you prefer reading there.


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is chapter three! Thanks to everyone who commented and left kudos on the previous chapter, and a massive thank you to Pasta and Sin for beta-reading. Enjoy!

### Chapter Three

“Oh my god, I can’t bear it!”

It’s nine in the evening and Emil is sitting at the desk in his bedroom, ranting to Leon through a Skype call. Leon’s pixelated face appears on the screen through the webcam, smirking.

“They’re so disgustingly in love, but they just can’t see it. All they talk about is each other. Whenever I’m with Lukas, all he ever asks is, _“How was it with Matthias today?”_ and _“what did you do with Matthias today?”_ and _“did Matthias say anything about his insatiable desire to fuck me senseless today?”_. And whenever I’m with Matthias it’s the same thing. They’re pining – my stoic twenty-year-old brother is _pining_ – and it’s driving me insane!”

Leon laughs, the sound fragmented by the faulty connection. “Do you want them to get together?”

“Anything is better than this!” But then he stops and considers. “Actually, I do. I like Matthias. He’s an idiot and acts like an immature little kid a lot of the time, but he’s a really nice guy, and I think he’s good for Lukas. He’s like… like a light or something. Lukas always seems brighter when he’s around.”

“Aww.” His tone is flat, almost sardonic, but Emil can tell that he’s sincere. “How cute. So, how are we going to get them to date one another, then?”

Emil blinks. “What?”

“Oh, come on, Em,” he says, a laugh in his voice. Leon is the only person who’s allowed to call him that. “Don’t tell me you’re not _dying_ to set those two up already.”

“You read my mind.” The thought hadn’t occurred to him – not in so many words, anyway – but now that Leon mentions it, he realises that this is something he absolutely _must_ do. “I need to play matchmaker for those two before I lose my sanity.”

Leon flashes him a rare grin. “I knew you’d be up for it. Now, what we need is a plan of action.” There’s a rustling behind the camera and he ducks out of view, reappearing a few seconds later with a notepad and ballpoint pen. He clicks it a couple of times and sets it against the pad expectantly. “So?”

“Hmm… well,” he says slowly. “Ideally, I want them to spend some time together, alone. Just the two of them, without me, but I don’t know how to make that happen.”

The pen scratches against the paper as Leon takes notes. “You’re alone right now, aren’t you?”

He rolls his eyes. “Lukas is in the next room, running a bath. I can hear him. If I yell, he’ll come running like one of those little trained monkeys. So no, not really.”

“I bet we can find a way. You guys are going to the beach next weekend, right?”

“Yeah.” He allows himself a small smile. “It’s a family thing. We’ve done it ever since we were kids. Hey, do you reckon I could invite Matthias along? They won’t be alone together, but it’ll give them some time away from all of this.” 

He nods vaguely at his bedroom door, referring to the house in general, with its stair lift and ramp and handles everywhere, and the adapted toilet and shower and pretty much everything. He’s never minded any of that stuff, of course, but it’s hardly the kind of place where romance happens.

Leon scribbles on the pad again, then looks up and winks at him. “Good plan.” 

Emil winks back. 

The door opens behind him and Lukas pops his head through. “Your bath’s ready.”

He swivels towards him. “Jeez, haven’t you ever heard of knocking? Fine, fine. I’ll see you later, Leon.”

“See you, Em.” Leon must have pressed the ‘end call’ button, because the screen flashes and makes a little _boop_ noise.

“What was that about?” Lukas asks a few minutes later as he massages shampoo into Emil’s hair. Emil just smiles.

“Oh, nothing important.” 

. . . 

He invites Matthias on their holiday the following week. Predictably, he refuses at first.

“Aw, Emil, I can’t do that. It’s a family holiday for you guys, I don’t wanna intrude.”

“You wouldn’t be intruding. Honestly, you’re practically family by this point.”

“Aww!” Matthias pauses their video game to reach across and rub a hand in his hair. It used to feel strange, how overly-affectionate Matthias was compared to his brother, but now it’s just normal. “That’s so sweet. Does Lukas know I’m invited?”

“Not yet. He will soon, though.”

Matthias frowns a little. “Will he mind? It’s a tradition for you two. He might not want me to come.”

“Oh, trust me,” Emil says, a glint in his eye. “Lukas definitely wants you to come.”

This isn’t entirely true. The two of them argue about it that evening after Matthias has gone home, but as always, Emil wins (Lukas is soft for him, and he knows exactly which buttons to press to get what he wants), and five days later, the three of them are piling into Matthias’ car to head for the coast.

“Are we all ready to go?” Matthias booms in an unnecessarily upbeat voice. He’s more excited than both he and Lukas put together, already dressed in beach shorts, a Hawaiian shirt and a straw hat. It’s as if he’s never been to the beach before. But, Emil supposes, that’s how it always is with Matthias. He lives each experience as if it’s his first.

“I’m ready,” Lukas says. He looks tired – he’s had to go without his coffee this morning and is clearly suffering for it – but there is a tiny ghost of a smile on his face. He twists round to look in the backseat. “Are you okay, Emil?”

He and Lukas don’t travel much. It’s always an effort to pack all of the equipment Emil needs, and the process of being manhandled in and out of the car is generally rather awkward. Right now, he’s strapped into his adapted seat, surrounded by cushions and a blanket and a travel pillow around his neck. It’s comfortable for now, but he knows that by the time they arrive, he’ll be aching all over. It’ll be worth it, though.

“Yeah, I’m great,” he says. The weather is beautiful– warm with a gentle breeze - the windows are open, the car radio is playing (‘Here Comes the Sun’, and how can anyone feel unhappy while listening to that song?) and his two favourite people are sitting side by side in the front seat, the love between them light but tangible. Life has never been more perfect. “I’m wonderful. Let’s go already.”

It takes them three hours to reach the seaside. Emil falls asleep about an hour into the journey – travelling by car always makes him drowsy – and only wakes up when they’re driving through the scenic coastal countryside, with dry stone walls and cottages made of beach pebbles. Lukas and Matthias evidently think he’s still asleep, as they’re talking quietly in the front seat. He can’t make out what they’re saying – something about their shared high school experiences, he thinks, judging by the number of names that he doesn’t recognise – but their soft voices and light, almost shy laughter make him smile to himself and pretend to be asleep for a little longer.

They’re all starving by the time they’ve arrived at the hotel and unpacked their belongings, since Lukas hadn’t let Matthias stop for fast food on the journey. Emil and Lukas usually survive on convenience store food and hotel catering when they stay here, but Matthias goes online and discovers a quaint, inexpensive seafood restaurant only a short distance from the hotel, so they decide to eat there instead. 

Lukas orders his usual salmon and Emil orders mackerel, but Matthias decides to try some crazy, suspicious octopus dish.

“Don’t blame me when you get food poisoning,” Lukas warns, but it actually turns out to taste incredible, and the three of them share their meals between them before heading down to the beach. 

It’s late afternoon when they arrive, so the majority of young families are packing up to take their children home, but there are still plenty of couples and families dotted around the sand, sunbathing and swimming and strolling hand in hand along the rim of the lapping waves.

“ _Wow_ ,” Matthias breathes, as if he’s never seen a beach before; as if he wasn’t born in Denmark, which is, like, surrounded by sea. Lukas meets Emil’s eye and they exchange vaguely exasperated glances, but they’re both smiling. There’s something about the crisp, salty air, the flat sand and the sea stretching away into the distance in a glimmering sheet of light that is strangely liberating; everything else seems to fade into oblivion in the face of such magnitude, leaving him feeling like a helium balloon drifting away into the sky.

The feeling of freedom doesn’t last long. Emil’s wheelchair isn’t built for soft, powdery surfaces and the sand gets caught in his wheels, leaving him revving aggressively in place, his wheels spinning but staying firmly on one spot. Normally this would be extremely frustrating, but before he even has time to get mad, Matthias bursts out laughing and hauls him into his arms.

“Don’t you dare drop me,” he says.

“I wasn’t planning on it, kid, but now that you mention it…” He releases his hold on Emil for a fraction of a second, just enough to give him the sensation of falling, then grabs him again. Emil lets out a startled little squeak.

“What the fuck, Matt?” 

He shrugs, and Emil can hear the grin in his voice. “You were askin’ for it.” 

They choose an empty spot a short distance from the sea and set out their blanket. Lukas has come fully prepared, with a picnic mat, a parasol, sunscreen, and an insulated bag of water bottles and healthy snacks, and both Emil and Matthias tease him lightly for being such a mother hen. He pretends to be offended.

“Well, if you don’t want any of it, you two can go and sit out in the sun by yourselves while I eat the picnic.” 

“Noooo!” Matthias whines, his eyes widening like a sad puppy. “I’m sorry, Lukas! I want food too!”

Lukas smacks him gently around the head. “Too late now.”

“You’re so mean!” Matthias flings himself at Lukas, wrestling him into the sand.

“What are you doing? Get off me, you idiot!”

“Never!”

Emil watches from his position on the picnic blanket, laughing so hard he can barely breathe. He’s never seen Lukas like this; so happy and carefree, acting like the twenty-year-old that he is rather than an exhausted middle-aged man. With a twinge of guilt, he recognises that this is partly his fault. Lukas had been only eighteen when he became Emil’s full-time carer, and spending twenty-four hours a day tending to his disabled little brother must certainly have drained some of the happiness from life.

But now, rolling around in the sand with wild, eccentric, childlike Matthias, it seems like his burdens have suddenly become a thousand times lighter. Emil resolves to get those two to realise their love for each other even if it kills him.

The next few hours are one of the happiest times Emil can remember. Lukas and Matthias race each other down into the ocean and their wrestling escalates into a rather intense water fight (they seem to be trying to drown each other). Emil watches them, laughing, and wishes he could video it to show Leon. 

He glances at his phone lying on the mat beside him. “Siri, text Leon: _everything is going according to plan._ ” 

Then, Matthias comes tearing up the beach with sand in his hair and a strip of sunburn across his nose and a shit-eating grin, and says, “Hey kid, d’you wanna come swim?”

Emil just gives him a flat look. Matthias might be a nice guy, but he’s undoubtedly an idiot.

“I’m gonna take that for a yes.” He bends down and scoops Emil easily off the blanket.

“What the hell, Matt, you know I can’t swim. Are you trying to drown me?”

His eyes twinkle. “Well, now that you mention it…” But then he winks and shifts Emil in his arms. “Nah, don’t worry, kid. Anyone can swim, all it is is floating around in a bunch of water.”

Matthias is right – kind of. He wades out into the water and lays Emil carefully on his back, his hands beneath his shoulder blades to keep him afloat. It can’t really be called _swimming_ – he’s literally just lying there squinting up at the sky – but it’s relaxing all the same, with the cool water lapping against his skin and the sunlight dancing across his face. His ears are beneath the water so everything sounds distant and echoey, but he can hear Matthias and Lukas talking to one another, and it sounds so _intimate_. 

Except it evidently isn’t, because soon, they’re splashing each other again, and Emil is right in the line of fire. He drifts into a more upright position, spluttering.

“Seriously, guys? Can you quit it, I’m right here?”

Simultaneously, they both splash him in the face.

When the sun starts to set, they buy a bag of chips and sit against the sea wall watching the tide roll slowly in on a perfect day. Emil sits between them, the hot, greasy bundle balanced in his lap. Each of them has a hand resting on the wall behind him, and Emil wishes he could see if they are holding hands. He hopes they are. 

“Today has been the best, guys,” Matthias says. “Seriously, the best. I can’t remember the last time I had a day like this. Thank you for letting me come.”

He looks directly at Lukas as he says this. Lukas flushes lightly and looks away. “It’s only the beach,” he mutters. “Surely you’ve been here before.”

“Of course I have, but never with you guys. You guys are what made it special. So, thank you.” 

He continues to look at Lukas for a long moment, until Lukas catches his eye, and then he smiles. Emil tries to make himself invisible, feeling delighted but oddly intrusive. It’s as if he’s sitting between them on a date or something. He needs to tell Leon all about this later. 

But for now, he’s just going to sit and watch the sun sink gently below the horizon, melting through an entire spectrum of reds and pinks and ambers, burning out beneath the curve of the sea.

 

. . . 

“Emil,” Lukas says later that night, once Emil is in bed and Lukas is walking back from brushing his teeth in the bathroom. The two of them are sharing a bedroom, and Matthias is in the room next door. Emil had sort of hoped that Lukas and Matthias would share a room – except of course, that would be extremely inconvenient if he needed the bathroom during the night. “Can I talk to you about something?”

He sounds nervous and oddly serious, but Emil still can’t resist teasing him. “You already are.” 

“Shut up, you know what I mean.” He pauses. Emil makes a vague noise of encouragement. “So, you know Matthias?”

“Nope, never heard of him, who’s he again?”

“Fuck off, Emil, this is serious.”

“Okay, okay, sorry. I’m listening.” 

“Well… I think I like him.” He sits down on the twin bed opposite Emil’s. From his position on his side, he can see him twisting his hands and blushing like a schoolgirl. He wishes he could get a photograph. “Like, _like_ like him.”

Emil turns his head into his pillow for a second to conceal his grin. _Fucking finally_. “Yeah, you think?” 

“Yeah. He’s just…he’s something else, I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like he’s got all this happiness and kindness and love inside him and there’s so much that it all spills out and touches you and then you end up feeling it too. It’s like the universe came together and wove everything bright and happy and good into one stupid, moronic, _fucking beautiful_ person and infused him with all the energy and innocence and all the stuff I missed out on and I just really really want…”

“Him to fuck you?”

“No! Well…yes, eventually. But mainly I just want him to always be there. I want to be able to have days like this, except where I don’t have to stop myself from kissing him and looking at him and thinking about how he could never like me back.”

Emil splutters. “I’m sorry, _what?_ ”

Lukas gazes at him steadily, unfazed. “He could never like me back. Matthias is straight. He had a whole string of girlfriends in high school, one after the other.” 

“Are we talking about the same Matthias here? You know, the one with crazy hair who is _super hella gay?_ ” 

“He isn’t.” He’s looking at him suspiciously, as if he might be trying to trick him. Emil wants to smash his head against a brick wall to knock some sense into him.

“Uh, _he is_. We watched that Gladiators programme on TV the other day just so he could admire their sweaty, half-naked bodies. And I mean damn, they were _hot._ ” 

Lukas squints at him. “Is there anything you want to tell me, Emil?”

“Umm, no, nothing.” That’s a conversation for another day. “So anyway, Luke, Matthias is hella gay, and he’s hella whipped for you, so you should just confess to him already.”

He stares at him in horror. “There’s no way I’m doing that!”

In his mind, Emil marches across to Lukas’ bed and shakes him firmly by the shoulders. “Oh come on! Trust me, Matthias likes you. He does. Have you even seen the way he looks at you sometimes, like you’re the fucking moon and stars and sun and Milky Way all compressed into one person? He adores you, Lukas.” 

Lukas is looking at him, his face a subtle contortion of fear and disbelief and struggling hope. “Are you sure?”

“Totally. I’m positive.” It’s difficult with his face smushed sideways against a hotel pillow, but he meets Lukas’ eyes and gives him a grave look. “Promise me you’ll ask him out. This pining is killing me.”

“I don’t know…”

“Promise me.” 

They stare at each other for a long moment, unblinking, but Emil stands firm. It’s Lukas who backs down first.

“Fine. I’ll tell him. Tomorrow, I’ll do it.” He stands up and starts making his way towards the bathroom. “But if he rejects me, you’re dead.” 

The bathroom door slams behind him. Emil waits for a second to make sure he isn’t going to reappear. Then, a slow grin spreads across his face. He glances at his phone on the bedside table.

“Siri, text Leon: _the eagle has landed._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Feel free to give kudos or a comment to let me know what you thought! :D


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I’m sorry this is being posted a day late. I would’ve updated last night, but I had an exam this morning so I needed the time to study and cry xD
> 
> Anyways, thank you to everyone who commented and left kudos on the last chapter! And of course, thank you to Pasta and Sin for beta-reading. Enjoy!

### Chapter Four

On the final day of their trip they go to the fairground.

They don’t usually visit the fair. Lukas has always hated the crowds and the pounding metallic music and the _screaming_ , but Matthias seems so excited when he sees it on the seafront on their way back from the beach that neither he nor Emil can refuse. There are a couple of hours left before the sun sets completely, but the sky is already darkening and illuminating the sparkling spectrum of rainbow lights that flash and pulse through the charged air. Even Lukas, who much prefers the quieter, calmer aspects of life, finds it strangely invigorating. 

“Look, Lukas, they have dodgems!” Matthias exclaims, grabbing him by the arm and pointing. His face is flushed with happiness; his eyes reflecting the glimmering lights like galaxies, his breath smelling sweet of pink candyfloss. He has to put his head close to Lukas’ to talk over the noise, close enough that Lukas can see the dazzling gleam of his teeth, not perfectly aligned but not crooked, and can count every one of the apricot freckles sprayed across his nose.

Lukas wonders when it had become so difficult to feign indifference. “Yes, alright, I see them. There’s no need to yell.”

“Let’s go!” He tugs Lukas over to the ride, but the queue stretches halfway round the fair, and Matthias can’t stand still for two seconds. “Ooh, or we could go on _that_!”

The ride he points to is one of those nauseating torture machines that flings its occupants violently about at great height. Lukas watches in slight horror as a group of teenage girls are fastened into plastic seats and promptly sent hurtling into the air, being thrust upside down and spun in circles, all the while shrieking in terror.

“Come on, Luke, it’ll be fun!”

“Yeah, Lukas,” Emil smirks. Lukas turns to look at him, betrayed. “Come on, it’ll be fun.” 

He’s about to refuse – he really is – but then, he sees Matthias’ face. His eyes are big and round and pleading, his lips in a tiny pout.

“It’s okay, you don’t need to be scared. I’ll come with you.”

And after that, how can he say no? 

Surprisingly, Lukas doesn’t end up regretting his decision. The two of them sit side by side in a plastic pod and wait as their safety bars are locked across their shoulders and hips. Matthias is practically bouncing in his seat with excitement. When the ride jolts into motion and awful music begins to blare out, he grabs Lukas’ arm and looks at him with pure elation in his eyes.

“It’s starting!”

After the initial stomach-dropping ascent, the ride isn’t as traumatic as Lukas expects. It’s true that he isn’t scared – fairground rides have never frightened him, since he knows they’re completely safe – but he has rarely had the chance to experience them, so he isn’t expecting the sharp jolts and twists that send him smacking forwards against the security bar. Beside him, Matthias is shrieking wildly and clutching his hand. He isn’t quite sure how to feel about that, but he knows that he isn’t going to pull away. 

Matthias doesn’t let go of his hand even once they step off the ride. He’s dizzy, hanging from him and giggling drunkenly, his eyes wide. Lukas can’t even express what that does to his heart, except that it’s something like melting and becoming whole all at once. 

“That was _incredible_!” 

Lukas holds him a little tighter. It _is_ incredible. Incredible that this radiant person is holding him and laughing with him as if he’s normal rather than a stoic, repressed twenty-year-old with a host of responsibilities and a gap in his soul where his childhood should be. And he’s not even making an effort. It’s as if he looked at Lukas and pierced straight through the layers, and decided he liked who he found underneath. 

Of course, he can’t say any of this out loud. “Yes. Well. Maybe we should go on something gentler now.”

“How about the Ferris wheel?” Emil asks. He’s been quiet, keeping a few paces away from them to give them privacy, which Lukas appreciates. It does, however, show that he hasn’t forgotten about the promise he had made last night. The thought makes his chest seize. “It’s getting dark, and you’ll be able to see all the lights on the pier. Very romantic.”

He wiggles his eyebrows jokingly, but then gives Lukas a significant, pointed look. He flushes and turns away.

“Okay. We can go on that.” It’s a struggle to keep his voice steady. Matthias half-skips alongside him, oblivious.

“Sure! There’s barely even a queue.” 

Within a few minutes, they’re sitting inside a swaying wooden basket, watching the fairground slowly shrink beneath them into a doll-sized patch of glowing lights and glimmering waves of people. Lukas looks for Emil and finds him next to the operator’s seat, talking, but doesn’t fixate on it because Matthias has no sense of personal space and is sitting so close to him that their shoulders are pressed together, body heat flowing between them. It’s wonderfully distracting.

“Look at the _sea_ , Lukas,” Matthias says, and Lukas follows his gaze to where the ocean stretches out; a shimmering sheet of silver extending away behind the horizon. “You know, legend says that there are sirens in the water out there. They sing and make people fall in love.” 

Lukas knows this. He has been fascinated with ancient myths ever since he learnt to read. “I think they only make people fall in love with them. And then the victims would jump off their ships and drown.”

“Wow, jeez. Way to ruin the atmosphere.” Matthias pouts at him for a second before turning back to the sea.

Lukas hesitates. “What atmosphere were you going for?”

Matthias shrugs. He doesn’t look at him, and Lukas gets the distinct impression it’s deliberate. “I dunno. Romantic. That’s what Emil said.” 

He draws in a shuddering breath. This is it. “About that…I…”

He’s cut off with a sudden jolt when the wheel shuts off, leaving them swinging with leftover momentum at the very height of the ride. They’re high up in the air, the baskets in front and behind several metres away, the fairground glittering like tiny fireflies beneath them, the people far out of sight. They’re completely alone on a warm summer night, the breeze a gentle caress across their hair.

Matthias peeks his head over the side. “Is it broken?” He asks brightly, unconcerned.

“I don’t think so. I think we’ve just stopped for a moment.”

“Ah, shame. I wouldn’t’ve minded being stuck up here with you.” He says it so easily that something sticks in Lukas’ chest. He opens his mouth, not even sure how he’s going to reply, but Matthias continues before he gets the chance. “You know what always happens in movies at this point.”

He turns to look at him. He isn’t smiling, but there is something amber and passionate stirring in his eyes. God, Lukas can’t breathe. His heart is pounding.

“Matthias – “

“Lukas.”

He shifts closer until they’re pressed against one another, arm against arm, feet overlapping. Matthias is so close, their noses are almost touching. If Lukas leaned forwards now, he could – 

Matthias’ hand trails down his cheek. “Is this okay?”

_This is more than okay_. But the words won’t come out, so he just nods, jerks his chin up and down, breathless. “Yes,” he whispers. 

And then Matthias’ lips collide with his. 

When Lukas was younger, he had learnt in class about the life cycle of stars. He remembers learning how they grew brighter and hotter and denser until they imploded into a cosmic supernova of eternal, iridescent light. Their kiss isn’t like that. Their kiss is short and chaste and fleeting, an ephemeral moment of pure perfection, over almost before Lukas can register it. It’s like the birth of a star. 

Then the ride quivers to life beneath them, and slowly, they sink back to Earth.

 

. . . 

 

They talk about it later that night. It’s deep into the evening now, the pebbled walkways illuminated by ornate street lamps, and they sit on a bench on the pier overlooking the inky-black waves. Emil is a few meters away, being very unsubtle about giving them privacy as he faces resolutely away from them and towards the cluster of buildings at the end of the pier. He must know what had happened on the Ferris wheel. It must be visible all over their faces, radiating out from them, but he says nothing, just gives a small, satisfied smile and murmurs something into his phone that Lukas can’t hear.

He and Matthias can’t keep away from each other. Lukas had thought the magic would end when they had stepped onto solid ground but it hadn’t, and when Matthias suggests that they don’t go back to the hotel yet and instead, sit on the pier eating sweet strawberry ice cream, he can’t refuse. He doesn’t want to. He never wants this night to end.

“Since when did you know?” Matthias asks. His voice is quiet, because night-time is a sacred place of silence, like libraries and museums after dark. “That you, y’know, liked me?”

“I only realised it last night,” he says. “It was when we were eating on the sea wall, and you said that thing about how much you appreciate us, and… I guess I just suddenly realised that you made that day perfect for me, too, and in more ways than I’d originally thought. I’d been feeling it for a long time before, though. I just…I don’t date much, so I didn’t recognise it.” Matthias nods. His eyes are deep and rich beneath his tangle of hair. “When did you realise?”

“I always knew,” Matthias says. “Even in high school, I had the biggest crush on you. In fact, you were the reason I realised my sexuality. But then, we never spoke and you disappeared and I thought I was over you – and then suddenly there you were, on the bus with that cardboard box and looking just as gorgeous as I remembered. And wow. I guess I know why they call it ‘falling’, now, because I’ve been going down and down and down, faster and faster, and it’s incredible. I thought I’d hit the bottom at some point but I never have. Maybe I never will.”

There’s nothing Lukas can say to that. He’s never been good with words. When he can finally force a sentence through his tight throat, he asks, “What do we do now? What changes?”

“Whatever we want to change. It’s our story, we can play it as we want.”

“I think I want to take it slowly. I’m not used to dating and romance and all of this. I don’t know how to do it anymore. So… I want to do this, but not too fast or too much. Not yet.” 

“Okay,” he says easily. “That’s okay, we can take however long we want to. We have all the time in the world.” 

And Lukas wants to kiss him again, because he just makes everything so _easy_. He’s been on his own for so long, caring for Emil and working overtime just to keep them both afloat, and now suddenly Matthias is here and it’s like he’s lifted the weight from Lukas’ shoulders and let him find out who he is beneath it. 

Matthias tilts his head to the side. “So, a date? Next week? We can try it out, go out for a meal, see if and how we fit together.”

“Okay.” That one word doesn’t nearly encompass what he’s feeling. He feels his mouth twitch into a smirk. “But you have to ask me properly.” 

Matthias stands up and crosses in front of him. He bows low and extends an arm. “Lukas Bondevik, will you go on a date with me?”

Lukas stands up, takes his arm. “I will.”

 

. . . 

 

Lukas barely sleeps on the night before their date. 

Partly it’s because of nerves, of course, and partly it’s because Emil is awake until the early hours of the morning with a low grade fever. Lukas sits on the edge of his bed and runs a damp towel across his skin and encourages him to take small sips from a glass of water, and tells him stories of Norse legends when he is too uncomfortable and restless to sleep. He considers postponing the date – Matthias would understand – but Emil tells him on no uncertain terms that if he dares to screw up this opportunity by cancelling, he will personally castrate him. 

Honestly, it doesn’t take much persuasion. He’s happily blown off occasions in the past to look after Emil, or even just to hang out with him, but Matthias is different. It’s selfish, but he _wants_ to spend time with Matthias. He wants his own happiness to come first for once. 

Emil’s fever finally goes down at around five am and Lukas returns to his own bedroom. Even so, they are both running on about two hours of sleep while he prepares himself for the date.

“Perhaps a dinner jacket is too much,” he muses, turning in front of the mirror. “I don’t even know where he’s taking me. Maybe he just intended it to be a casual date, like getting hotdogs and sitting in the park or something.”

“Nah,” Emil says. His voice is hoarse and he coughs a couple of times into his shoulder. Lukas frowns. “There’s no way he’d do that. He’s not going to take you to like, Super Chicken or somewhere gross like that. Matthias is a grand gestures kind of guy. I’d bet my right leg that you’re going to some fancy-ass restaurant, four star at least.”

“Fat lot of good it’s doing you,” he retorts automatically, because it’s practically a crime in their household not to make a disability joke when the opportunity arises. Emil laughs, but it turns into another cough and Lukas turns to him in concern. “Are you sure - ?”

“Yes, yes, go, I’ll be _fine_. I have the carer person – is his name Matthew? I can’t remember – to look after me. He has training, so I’m not going to die if you go off and have fun for a couple of hours.” 

“Okay,” he says reluctantly, torn. He knows he should stay behind with Emil, but he hasn’t wanted something this much in years. Perhaps today he deserves to be selfish.

His dilemma is cut short by the chime of the doorbell. He freezes, startled, and Emil winks at him. “Go on. I’ll leave you two alone for a moment.” 

He reverses out of the room. Lukas takes a deep breath, then walks calmly to the door and opens it.

It’s a good thing that he did decide to wear his dinner jacket, because Matthias is smartly dressed in a navy blazer and ironed trousers with a sharp crease down the legs. He’s freshly-shaven and his hair is gelled immaculately, and his shoes are so shiny that Lukas can see his reflection in them, shocked and breathless. He looks _stunning_.

“Hi.” His hands are tucked into his trouser pockets, and he’s wearing that gorgeous, uneven grin that makes Lukas want to kiss him on the spot. He feels extremely, wonderfully inadequate, until he sees the way Matthias is looking at him, as though drinking in every inch of him. His face flushes light pink.

“Hi.” They look at each other awkwardly for a moment, then, giggle. It’s a comfort to see that Matthias is just as nervous as he is. Matthias offers him an arm. 

“Shall we go?” 

“Let me just say goodbye to Emil.” He slips into the next room, where Emil is sitting by the door, having clearly been eavesdropping, and gives his shoulder a squeeze. “Bye, Emil. You’ll probably be asleep by the time I get back, but I’ll see you in the morning, okay? Take care.”

“Sure, see you.”

Matthias pops his head around the door. “See ya later, kid.” 

“Bye, guys, have fun.” They’re just stepping out the front door when he calls after them, “Remember to use protection!”

“Oh my god, Emil.” Lukas’ face is bright red as he shuts the door. Matthias chuckles softly next to him.

“I’ve probably said this a million times before, but I love your brother.”

“Oh, I know. I’d be personally offended if you didn’t, since I practically raised him.”

Matthias smiles. “You two are really close, you know? I’ve never seen brothers who care for each other as much as you do. It’s sweet.” 

People often say this, and it always seems strange to Lukas, because he can’t imagine feeling anything but love for Emil. He used to be mocked in middle school for spending more time with his younger brother than with his few friends, and it had always confused him because he couldn’t understand what was shameful about wanting to hang out with Emil. He was more interesting than everyone in his friend group put together.

“We have to be close,” he says. “All we have is each other.”

Matthias doesn’t answer that, but he takes his hand off the steering wheel to place it gently over Lukas’. The meaning is clear. _You have me, now_. 

“Where are you taking me?” He asks when he can speak again.

Matthias shoots him a dazzling grin. “You’ll see.”

“I don’t like surprises.” He’s only saying it to be difficult. Honestly, Matthias could be driving them to a scrapyard and he’d still be happy, because he gets to sit next to him in his crappy car with the radio humming softly in the background and his heart pumping liquid happiness through his veins.

Matthias only grins wider. “You’ll like this one.”

Matthias is right. He loves it.

About ten minutes later, they turn into the parking lot of a small diner. It has neon signs outside that seem to make it glow with a sort of ethereal light, which becomes all the more fitting when he gets close enough to read the name: _The Aurora_. 

It’s even better inside. The Aurora has a cosy, homely atmosphere with wooden tables and a false fireplace and woven rugs on the floor, and there are strings of rainbow fairy lights draped across the low rafters. It’s Nordic themed; framed photographs of white-tipped mountains frame the walls, and the gentle background music is sung in some Scandinavian language – Swedish, perhaps? Lukas hasn’t been to Norway since he was a small child, but this place instantly recalls all of his most magical memories, and his breath is snatched from him in the most wonderful way.

“I’ll take you to Norway, someday,” he promises. Matthias freezes for a second and Lukas thinks he’s gone too far, but then he looks at him warmly.

“And I’ll take you to Denmark.”

Matthias makes them pinky swear, which is so immature and stupid that Lukas finds himself even deeper in love, then pulls out his chair for him. Lukas wonders if he is trying to make him drop dead on the spot.

They order their food and the conversation flows easily while they wait. Lukas tells Matthias all about their childhood; about their Christmases and birthdays and fun family outings, and how their parents left them a week after he turned eighteen. Matthias nods and looks sympathetic (but not _too_ sympathetic) in all the right places, and at some point he reaches across the table to take Lukas’ hand, and when he’s finished Matthias says, “It looks like you two have done very well on your own,”, which is literally the best possible thing he could have said, and God, Lukas is so far gone.

Their food arrives and they fall silent for a while, savouring it. It isn’t the best meal he’s ever eaten, but Lukas’ salmon is tender and buttery and melts on his tongue, and the flavour is only made better because Matthias is sitting across from him, eating his meal and drinking him in with his eyes. Everything tastes better when you’re in love. 

The wine must be affecting him because he decides to voice this out loud in a stumbling metaphor that sounded poetic in his head, but hangs limply in the air between them. Matthias looks like he’s trying not to laugh, and Lukas can’t blame him; comparing their relationship to a buttered fish is probably the worst conversation to have on a first date. He tries to redeem himself.

“I mean…it’s you. You make everything better. It’s like you turn up the saturation on life and make everything look brighter, sound sweeter, taste stronger.”

Matthias says nothing. Lukas takes another sip of his wine to mask his embarrassment. Then Matthias locks their eyes together and says, very quietly,

“And what does our love taste like?”

Lukas has no idea where the sudden courage comes from, but somehow, he leans closer, so close that their noses are almost touching, and says, “Why don’t you let me find out?”

And then suddenly, they’re kissing; lips pressed to lips, softly at first but then firmer, leaning closer, trying to grasp at the essence of one another. Their breath becomes one in the space between them, tiny gasps intertwined, and Lukas keeps his eyes open so that he can experience it all; the flashes of tongue and teeth and brilliant blue eyes, the rainbow lights glowing off Matthias’ skin like his own personal aurora, and God, he can’t get enough of him.

A buzzing noise begins in his pocket but he blocks it out, pressing closer, until Matthias draws back a few centimetres. His lips are pink and glistening.

“Your phone is ringing,” he says, slightly breathless.

“Ignore it.” He leans forward again but Matthias angles away slightly, not enough to stop him, but enough to make him pull away, confused.

“You should answer it, Luke,” he insists. “It could be Emil.”

And Lukas is stunned at himself because – just for a second – he had forgotten that Emil even existed.

He soon remembers. It’s the carer on the phone – Mark? Matthew? Does it even matter? – and Lukas listens in a numb haze because while they were eating and talking and kissing, Emil was being driven to hospital in an ambulance.

“The seizure lasted for over ten minutes,” the carer says in that gentle, professional voice. He can afford to be calm. It isn’t his brother. “He was still seizing when the paramedics arrived. They had to sedate him. He’s in the paediatric ICU at St Olav’s now, and he’s just beginning to wake up. I thought you’d want to be there. I’ll see you as soon as I can.”

Lukas lowers the phone slowly and presses the ‘end call’ button. Matthias reaches across the table for him, concerned.

“Lukas? Babe, what is it?”

“Emil had a seizure.” His voice sounds strange and distant, as though he’s hearing himself through a pane of glass. “We need to go to the hospital. Now.” 

They leave before dessert arrives. Matthias pays the bill and they hurry out into the parking lot, and it’s only once they get outside that Lukas realises he has left his jacket in the restaurant. Matthias takes off his own and wraps it around his shoulders. Any other time the gesture would have been romantic, but Lukas can’t think about that because all there is is fear and this overwhelming _guilt_.

He had known Emil was sick. He had known he should have stayed at home. But Matthias had changed him, made him happier and more carefree and more _careless_ , and now he is paying the price, because he wasn’t there when his brother had needed him the most.

And now here they are, back in Matthias’ crappy car with the radio switched off and their eyes fixed on the road, hoping and waiting and hoping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’M SORRY DX 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Feel free to leave kudos or give a comment to tell me what you thought!


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Happy Fourth of July to everyone who celebrates it! (And if you don’t - like me - have a great day anyways!)
> 
> Thank you to everyone who commented, bookmarked and left kudos on the previous chapter! And, as always, a massive thank you to Pasta and Sin for beta-reading. 
> 
> Enjoy!

### Chapter Five

They stay like that the entire way to the hospital.

At some point, Matthias removes one hand from the steering wheel and wraps it around Lukas’, squeezing tightly. It’s dangerous and Lukas would usually snap at him for it, but today the danger is negated by the entirety of the situation they’re in. Their tiny risks are irrelevant. This isn’t about them anymore.

“He’ll be okay,” Lukas says calmly, over and over. “This isn’t the first time. It used to happen all the time when he was younger. He was always alright in the end.”

But he’s blinking fast and biting his lips and twisting Matthias’ fingers so hard that he’s cutting off the circulation, and Matthias wonders who he is really trying to reassure. Everything is too fast and too bright and he feels like he’s in an action movie, the music swelling to a fast crescendo before everything ends.

Hospitals have always made Matthias uneasy. For the most part he was a healthy kid, so he can count on one hand the number of times he’s set foot in a hospital for minor sporting injuries or visiting elderly, distant relatives. He feels out of place amongst the stinging smell of antiseptic, the harsh artificial light, the way the cold air seems charged with raw helplessness. It’s a surreal, in-between kind of place where people seem to be wandering the corridors with foggy eyes and corrugated paper cups in their hands, just _waiting_ for things to get better or worse. Matthias doesn’t belong in this universe.

Lukas, apparently, does. Within minutes of arriving, he is hurrying back towards Matthias and grabbing his hand, saying, “bed seven, ward nineteen, Paediatric ICU,” and dragging him down one of the corridors before he has time to process anything.

“You, uh, know the way,” he mumbles, not sure whether to be surprised or impressed or deeply, deeply sad. Lukas just glances at him over his shoulder, the tension sharpening and toughening him.

“We’ve been here before,” he says simply. There are so many stories in that one sentence but now isn’t the time, so Matthias just nods and stumbles behind him and tries to remember how to breathe.

Emil’s room is eerily quiet. He’s lying on his side, facing the doorway, his emaciated limbs swamped in a powder blue gown and the lower half of his face covered by a translucent oxygen mask. His eyes are closed. The only way Matthias can tell he is alive is by the tiny movements of his ribcage and the way the mask fogs steadily with every breath. 

“Emil,” Lukas says. His voice is odd, indescribable, but it strikes something deep within Matthias and gives him the sudden urge to weep.

The papery eyelids flutter open. His eyes are vague and unfocused, like he’s looking at them through thick smoke, but Matthias can see the exact moment his spirit returns to him and his eyes light up in recognition. His gaze travels slowly to Lukas, to Matthias, to their joined hands. He smiles.

Lukas is at his side in an instant, kneeling by the bed and holding his face gently between his palms and stroking the ash blond hair from his forehead and talking softly. Matthias steps back to give them a moment together. He shouldn’t be smiling now, he knows, but he can’t help himself because everything is okay and Emil is okay, and he loves them both _so much_.

Emil meets his gaze over Lukas’ shoulder. He rolls his eyes at Lukas’ fussing, although Matthias can tell that he doesn’t really mind. Or perhaps he’s just too tired to resist. 

Matthias grins. “Knew you’d be alright, kid.” 

The corner of his mouth twitches behind his mask. It’s a watered-down version of his typical smirk, but for Matthias, it’s enough to prove that Emil is back with them. He finds that he isn’t so worried when Emil’s eyes drift shut a few minutes later and his breathing slows.

They stay with Emil for the rest of the evening. Matthias sits in a creaky plastic chair by his bedside and scrolls absently through his phone, feeling bored but not composed enough to actually do anything to relieve it. Lukas perches on the edge of Emil’s bed pretending to read, although he doesn’t turn the page in over fifty minutes and spends most of his time looking at Emil’s face with an unreadable expression. 

At some point, Matthias ventures off the ward in search of the cafeteria. Although it is signposted, the hospital is a labyrinth of identical white corridors (it reminds him of a recurring nightmare he had had as a child, where he had run through empty school corridors calling for somebody, anybody, to help him find his way, but no-one ever came) and he ends up having to call Lukas for directions after twenty minutes of hopeless wandering. Lukas laughs fondly and calls him an idiot, but the attempt at normalcy is half-hearted and sits awkwardly in Matthias’ stomach. 

When he eventually returns to the ward with two disposable cups of weak filter coffee, he finds Emil to be awake and talking in a low murmur, the oxygen mask pulled down around his neck. He passes one of the cups across the bed to Lukas and smiles.

“Hey, kid.” He keeps his voice low, because it’s dark and late and hospitals make him feel uneasy. “Welcome back to the world of the living.”

“Welcome back yourself.” Emil’s voice is thin, but he’s already beginning to sound like himself. “Heard you got lost on the way to the cafeteria. What an idiot.”

God, he loves this kid. “Ha! That’s just what your brother told me.” 

He grins across at Lukas, wanting to share the joke, but he’s watching them with a strange, brooding expression. It’s almost like regret, Matthias thinks, except for something that hasn’t happened yet, and it’s so deep and complex that he feels it prickling up his spine.

“You should go home, Matt.” It’s so abrupt that Matthias feels a pang of hurt, before he realises that Lukas is right. It’s almost two in the morning, Emil is alright now, and technically, Matthias isn’t even family. “I’m going to stay overnight with Emil, but I’ll walk you to the entrance so you don’t get lost again.” 

Emil laughs shakily at that, but it turns into a weak, rattling cough. Lukas slides the mask back over his mouth and nose, and brushes the hair from his eyes. “Get some rest, Emil. I’ll be back soon.” 

Matthias pats his shoulder. “Feel better soon, dude.” 

“Mhm,” he mumbles, already falling asleep. “Y’have to tell me ‘bout your date later, though.”

“Sure, we will,” he says, but Lukas doesn’t answer.

They wait for the elevator in silence. Because of the late hour, they’re the only ones in the lobby, and when the elevator arrives they travel down in it silently, its rumbling and rattling agonisingly loud. They avoid each other’s eyes like strangers, and when Matthias tries to smile at him, Lukas turns his head very obviously in the other direction. It’s like he’s being given the cold shoulder, but Matthias can’t think of anything he might have done wrong.

Finally, when they step out onto the equally eerie ground floor, Matthias breaks the silence.

“Does this happen a lot?” He asks. “You know, these… seizures?”

“Not so much anymore.” Lukas still doesn’t look at him. Matthias tries not to worry. “When he was younger it would happen every other week, but he kind of grew out of it as he got older. It hasn’t happened in almost a year now. He didn’t often used to be hospitalised for it like this, though.”

Matthias takes his hand and squeezes it gently. Lukas doesn’t return the gesture; he just looks down at their joined hands with that same strange expression. 

“That must have been difficult for you,” he says. It’s not pity, it’s just the truth. “Hell, when we got that phone call, I was so terrified I thought I was going to explode! I can’t imagine what it must be like to have to worry so much about someone you love.” He pauses. “I’m glad I get to be a part of this, though. I love that kid, and I love you –“ 

“Stop, Matt.” Lukas tugs his hand from his grasp and takes a step backwards, away from him. “You’re going to make it even harder.”

“Make what harder?” But there is a cold, sick feeling in his stomach that tells him he already knows.

“I don’t think we should do this anymore.” He looks directly at Matthias with eyes full of resigned sadness, as if he knew it would turn out like this all along. “It’s not about you – it’s never about you. You’re… fuck, you’re perfect, and I love you. But Emil has to come first. You understand that, right?”

Matthias doesn’t respond. He knows that, of course he does. But just hours ago, they were sitting in a candlelit restaurant and talking and laughing and kissing and falling deeper in love than they ever thought possible – and now, this.

Somewhere behind them, a door opens and closes, echoing.

Lukas drags a hand through his hair and closes his eyes for a long moment. “I remember when Emil was born. I was six years old, and I looked down into that glass box where he was lying somewhere under all those wires and machines and ventilators, and he opened his little violet eyes and he looked so alive, and I knew that I had to protect him.

“I didn’t have to protect him. I haven’t had to since he was old enough to steer himself in his wheelchair and learned to talk and tell me to _‘fuck off, Lukas, I can look after myself.’_ But I promised that day that I’d never let anything happen to him.”

Matthias’ eyebrows shoot up. “You couldn’t possibly promise that. It’s out of your control.” 

“I realised that. I realised that when I spent hours sitting by his bedside as a child just watching the blankets rise and fall to prove that he was alive. I realised that when I gave him a cold when he was seven and he spent a week in the ICU on a ventilator and we all thought he was going to die. I know that some things that happen to him are out of anyone’s control. So the promise changed. Instead, I promised to always be _there._ ”

Lukas looks at him with wide eyes. He looks so distressed that Matthias just wants to hold him close and never let go. Except that’s never going to be possible now. 

“I wasn’t _there_ , Matt. I knew he wasn’t feeling well, but I was out with you, having the most magical date of my life and thinking the world was perfect, while my baby brother was seizing for ten minutes straight and being sedated and sped to hospital in an ambulance. I had to find out through a _phone call_. 

“I know you love Emil. He certainly loves you. And – I know you love me, too. But, for the sake of that love, we have to make the right decision. For Emil.” 

Lukas is right. Matthias knows that. Perhaps that’s why it hurts so much. It would be easier to have a traditional breakup, with crying and screaming and anger at one another for the parts of them that could never fit together. This grey, distant coming apart tears at him, because he knows that neither of them want it. It’s just the way things have to be. Their future is over before it’s even begun.

He swallows. He isn’t going to cry, not even when he sees two tears slip silently down Lukas’ cheeks, because he’s not going to make him feel any worse for this.

“You’re right,” he says and, perhaps through sheer willpower, his voice doesn’t crack. “We were selfish to think this could ever be just about us. This is Emil’s story, too. And he needs _you_ and _me_ more than he needs _us._ ” 

For an instant, Lukas’ face crumples. Perhaps he had hoped that Matthias would try to persuade him otherwise, to tell him that they could work, and for a second, his wishes he had. But that wouldn’t have been fair.

“Thank you,” Lukas whispers. Slowly, he walks towards him and leans up, presses a short, soft kiss to his lips. 

Matthias’ eyes are burning. “I’ll see you on Monday, yeah?” He says, because after all this, he’s still Emil’s carer.

“I’ll call you,” he says. The words get stuck somewhere deep in Matthias’ chest. “Goodbye.” 

And then he is gone.

Matthias walks out through the sliding doors and into the night. The sheet of rain on the empty parking lot shines silver in the streetlights, and the air smells of condensation and cigarette smoke and sickness. Matthias shivers. It’s cold outside, and Lukas is still wearing his jacket. 

_We were selfish to think this could ever be just about us._

He takes a gulp of his coffee. It is ice cold and separated into granules and weak, brownish water, and it sits cold and heavy in his stomach. He walks to the drain and pours it in, watching it swirl through the metal grate and into the murky darkness below, disappearing.

Then he straightens up and sets off for home. It’s two in the morning on a Sunday and the streets are empty and silent, and Matthias has just lost the most wonderful thing he had ever had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Feel free to leave kudos if you liked this story, or leave a comment to let me know what you thought! Have a great day/night! :)


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, I’m sorry for not uploading this sooner, but I was visiting relatives last week and I didn’t trust my grandma’s WiFi enough to post anything xD Thank you to everyone who commented and left kudos on the previous chapter, and as always, a massive thank you to Pasta and Sin for beta-reading. But anyways, here is chapter six, a week late. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

### Chapter Six

Emil isn’t stupid. Over the following weeks, it quickly becomes obvious that there is something wrong between Lukas and Matthias, and he’s determined to find out what it is.

Lukas has been behaving strangely ever since their date. Emil was kept in hospital for two more days after his seizure, and Matthias had only visited once, on the very first evening. Those first few hours are unclear in his memory, but he can remember the two of them standing by his bedside, holding hands and looking frightened and relieved and in love, and he can remember the warm feeling of safety that had washed over him. He can remember Lukas leaving, then coming back, a stone-cold cup of coffee clenched in his hand. His eyes were rimmed with red.

During the next two days, Lukas sat in a chair by his bedside and stared at the wall. This may have been usual for some people, but Lukas is used to staying with Emil in hospital; once, he had completed a high school exam paper in the sterile white cubicle whilst Emil had been battling a viral infection. He never just… sits there.

“You can call Matthias if you want,” Emil says on the second day, when he can’t bear it any longer. “He probably misses you.” 

Lukas just shakes his head and gives a sort of half-shrug gesture. “Probably.”

He doesn’t call.

When they return home a day later with a prescription for new medication and an assurance that the seizure was only caused by lack of sleep and a fever, nothing changes. Lukas carries out his daily routine robotically, cares for Emil with a soulless efficiency that is more than a little unnerving, and makes them nutritious meals that are bland but edible. He doesn’t do anything wrong, exactly. Emil doesn’t feel neglected. He’s just… not Lukas.

Matthias still comes round on weekdays to care for him, but he and Lukas don’t linger to talk anymore. They brush past each other in the doorway, never speaking more than a sentence to one another; _“there’s leftovers in the fridge”_ or _“he needs an extra dose of Aspirin tonight”_ – all, incidentally, things that Emil could tell them himself.

Matthias also seems distant. He’s better at pretending than Lukas; he still smiles and laughs and plays video games with him, but it seems like he’s not really _there_. He and Lukas never mention each other anymore.

“Maybe they’ve been abducted by aliens,” Leon suggests blandly in one of their now nightly Skype calls. Emil huffs, not in the mood for his jokes.

“Maybe. I just… kinda miss them. It was bad when they were pining, but it’s even worse now that they’re not speaking. It’s like, they were so close to getting their happy ending, and then it all got ruined before it had even begun.”

Leon picks up the subtle undertone, even before he notices it himself. “It wasn’t your fault.”

Emil sighs. “I know that,” he says, because technically, he does. Even though he had known he would have a seizure that day - he had felt it coming the way people say they can sense storms, through odd subconscious sensations and changes in the air, but didn’t say anything, hoping it would hold off until after their date, because he didn’t always need to come first – it wasn’t his fault. “But I just don’t understand what happened! When they arrived, they were holding hands and it was the best – the _best_ – thing to wake up to, and now suddenly it’s not there anymore, and I can’t work out what’s changed.”

“Why don’t you just ask them?”

“I can’t. There’d be no point. The problem is that there’s no communication between them. They’re both so fucking repressed.”

Leon snorts. “Says you.”

“You’re one to talk!” It would be so easy to fall back into their usual laidback banter, but Emil has a problem to solve. “But anyway, this is serious. What do you think I should do?”

“I’ve already said what I think: ask them. You just said they suck at communication, but that doesn’t mean you have to. Why don’t you set them an example of how we talk things out like grown-ups?”

Emil laughs a little at that. Talking with Leon always makes him feel better. “Alright, I’ll try it. But I really don’t think it’s going to work.”

And the first time he tries it, it doesn’t.

It’s early evening on a Saturday, and he and Lukas are having dinner. It’s some kind of casserole with anything thrown in, which Lukas only makes when he’s too sick or tired or fed up to cook. They’ve been living off casserole all week now. 

Lukas is reaching over to feed him when Emil’s hand unexpectedly spasms, jerking sideways and knocking his glass of water to the floor. The water spills all over both of them and the floor is littered with sparkling crystals of shattered glass. This isn’t a rare occurrence in their household, so Emil is astounded when Lukas snaps:

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Emil!”

Emil stares at him for a long moment, stunned. “I didn’t do it on purpose.” Lukas has never shouted at him for something he can’t help, ever. 

A strained second passes, then Lukas seems to deflate, crumple in on himself like a balloon with the air sucked out. For a second, Emil thinks he might cry. “I know. I’m sorry, Emil, this isn’t your fault. It wasn’t fair to take it out on you. I’m sorry.”

Then he steps forward and pulls Emil’s head to his chest, and that proves that something is terribly wrong, because he and Lukas don’t hug. _Ever._ They just don’t.

He tugs his head away. “Okay, I’ve had enough of this. What is going on with you?”

Lukas ignores him, turning away to pick up a dishcloth and dab at Emil’s shirt. “Nothing,” he says evasively. 

“Nope, sorry, try again.” 

“Emil, I mean it. It’s nothing concerning you. This is between me and Matthias. Just drop it, okay?”

“But – “

 _“Emil.”_ He knows that tone. “I’m going to get you a clean shirt.”

Then he walks out, leaving Emil at the table, frustrated and disappointed and uncomfortably damp. Emil watches him leave.

“Well, fuck.”

. . .

His second attempt is more successful.

It’s Wednesday afternoon and Lukas is at work. Emil is sitting on the side of the bed, his hair damp from the shower, and Matthias is kneeling in front of him, buttoning him into a fresh shirt. Perhaps it’s because of the awkward silence, or perhaps it’s because he’s taller than Matthias for once and it makes him feel kinda brave, he blurts:

“Right, so what is actually going on between you and Lukas?”

Matthias freezes for a second, then relaxes into a slightly tight version of his usual easy grin. “Don’t worry about that, kid. That’s for me and your brother to sort out.”

“Yeah, but you’re not sorting it out, are you? You’re just avoiding each other and wallowing in your own self-pity, and that isn’t fixing anything. I thought you two loved each other.”

Matthias ducks his head. He looks like a little child getting scolded. “Yeah. Well. We do. It’s complicated, pal. You’ll understand when you’re older.”

“Don’t patronise me.”

“Sorry, didn’t mean to.” He looks up with a rueful smile. “You’re a smart kid, Emil. We only want the best for you, you know.” 

Something about that catches in Emil’s mind. “Wait –“ He says, his mouth slowly catching up with his thoughts. “You mean, this is about _me?”_

“I never said that.” He lowers his head again, focuses on Emil’s buttons. One of them is in the wrong hole and it’s shifted them all off-kilter.

“You implied it.”

“Kid, please.” He seems pained. “It doesn’t matter.”

“No, it does,” he insists. He feels desperate, indignant, because now that he thinks that he might be responsible for this, he can’t let it go. “If this has to do with me, then I have every right to know. I might be able to do fuck all for myself, but I’m not a toddler. I’m old enough to know this stuff.”

“Jeez.” He rubs his hands over his face, messing up his wild hair. Emil has never seen bright, easy-going Matthias look so stressed. “It is about you, but not in a bad way. Just, you’re important to us. For both of us, keeping you safe is our first priority. It has to come above everything, even… even our relationship.”

Emil splutters. The air in the room feels too thin. “I’m sorry, _what?_ Are you saying that you think it’s better for _me_ for you two to be miserable and distracted? And you didn’t think to even ask me how I felt about it?”

“Sorry, we – “

“You don’t get to do that. You do _not_ get to do that. Neither of you get to keep things from me and make decisions for me because you _think it’s what I want._ For fuck’s sake, I’m just as human as you! I have opinions too, you know. You don’t get to disregard me like that.”

“Look, Emil, we were frightened. You were in hospital and we were scared and we acted rashly, and we regret it. But there’s nothing we can do now.”

Emil stares at him. “Yes, there is. Tonight, when Lukas gets home, we all sit down at the table and we talk about this. Like mature adults.”

Matthias cracks a weak grin. It’s like the sun appearing from behind the clouds. “I’m not sure about ‘mature’.”

He just looks at him sternly. “Well, tonight you’d better be. I’m hosting an intervention.”

“Yes, sir!”

“And for god’s sake, please fix those buttons. They’re driving me insane.”

. . .

When Lukas gets home that night, he and Matthias are sitting at the table, waiting.

“Hello?” The front door closes and his footsteps sound, muffled against the floorboards. “Emil?”

He already sounds worried, as if he might find him lying on the floor unconscious or something. Emil sighs. “In here!”

The footsteps come closer and Lukas opens the door to the dining room. He’s still wearing his pale blue apron and has a smudge of flour on his cheek. “Hello – _oh.”_

Matthias looks up at him hesitantly. His expression appears composed, but Emil can see his leg bouncing beneath the table. “Lukas.”

“Matthias.” He’s looking at him expectantly, waiting for him to leave. That’s what usually happens. The moment they hear the door open, Matthias is putting on his shoes and jacket and calling a quick goodbye over his shoulder. That’s not what happens today.

“Sit down,” Emil tells him. “This is an intervention.” 

“A – what? Emil, please, I don’t have time for this, I’ve only just got home. What do you want?”

“I want you and Matthias to sit down together and talk this out like responsible adults,” he says evenly. “It’s about time.” 

_“Emil_ , I…” He’s speechless, looking between Emil and Matthias in pained confusion. Matthias grimaces. 

“It was the kid’s idea. Let’s just humour him, yeah?” 

“I… alright.” Reluctantly, Lukas drops into the seat opposite Matthias. “Can we make this quick?” 

“It will take as long as it needs to,” Emil says firmly. He’s quite enjoying this. He doesn’t often get the chance to be the one in control. “Matt said the reason you broke up has something to do with me.” 

“He did?” Emil doesn’t miss the betrayed glare Lukas shoots across the table. Evidently, they’d decided to keep this a secret from him. “That’s not true. It isn’t your fault, Emil.” 

“I know that,” he says. “I never said it was my fault. I just said that you broke up over me. Is that true?” 

“I…” Lukas breaks off and closes his eyes, rubs at his temples. “Yes.” 

The blunt confession snatches his breath for a second. “Why?” 

The question lingers in the air above them, kept afloat by the stagnant silence. No one seems to be breathing. Matthias clears his throat – a tiny, tense noise – but Lukas interrupts. “No, I… I think I need to answer this. You deserve a proper explanation too, Matt.” 

“I already know, and I get it.” Matthias puts a hand on Lukas’ wrist instinctively and he starts, but doesn’t pull away. “You don’t need to explain anything to me.” 

“For Emil, then.” Matthias nods. 

Lukas takes a deep breath and pauses, seeming to gather his thoughts. Emil waits. Then suddenly, his whole tense posture seems to drop and crumple inwards on itself. 

“I wasn’t _there_ , Emil. Every time when you were little, I’d be there with you when you were sick or hurt or sad or anything, but that day I wasn’t. I was so happy that I forgot I needed to look after you and, I don’t know, it was like your seizure was a punishment for me being so careless and fucking stupid. It reminded me that you matter more than anything else.” 

“Not more than your happiness, Luke,” Emil says quietly. Lukas shakes his head impatiently and grasps for words. 

“No, no, but… it wasn’t fair to you. I remember one time, when we were younger and you were really sick and our parents were out, you had a seizure. When you woke up, you were crying and you said _‘I’m scared, Lukas,’_ and I told you not to be scared, because – and this is exactly what I said – _‘I’ll always be there. I’ll always be the first thing you see.’_ And…that day, when I was out with Matthias, I wasn’t. You had to go to the hospital all alone. You would’ve had to see all the white walls and doctors and machines all on your own, and… I shouldn’t have done that to you, Emil. I felt that I’d failed you as a big brother. And above everything, that’s always been my job. Do you understand now?” 

“What? Lukas, no.” Emil can only stare, because this is the stupidest thing he has heard in his life. “You really don’t get it, do you? You were the first thing I saw. Both of you. I don’t remember anything about the ride to the hospital – that stuff doesn’t matter anymore – but what I do remember is opening my eyes and seeing you and Matthias standing there, together, holding hands. And God, that was the _best_ thing I could have woken up to. It’s…” he breaks off and takes a deep breath, collecting himself. “You don’t only have to worry about me, Lukas. There’s more to your life – there should be more to your life – than just worrying over me. You need your own life too, and that’s always going to be shared with me, but if Matthias is part of that life, then… honestly, I can’t imagine anything better.” 

It’s obvious that something he’s said has resonated within them, because Matthias’ eyes are slightly wet and Lukas is staring just past his shoulder with a stunned, glazed expression. 

“You mean… it’s okay with you if I’m with Matthias?” Lukas says eventually, and Emil wishes he could smash his head against a wall. Gently, of course. 

“Yes, you idiot! That’s what I’m trying to say. You two are better with one another.” 

“I have your blessing, then?” Matthias is joking, but his voice is hoarse and has an undertone of seriousness. His eyes are glistening. 

“Yes you fucking do.” He waits just long enough to let that sink in. “But I’m warning you, if you hurt him like this again, I will find a way to destroy you.” 

Matthias blinks, alarmed, then nods solemnly. “You have my word.” 

And then suddenly he feels Lukas’ arms come around him, holding him close, and Matthias joins on the other side and they press against one another by the table in an awkward tangle of limbs and emotion, and then they’re laughing and Matthias might be crying but Emil can’t tell for sure because he can’t tell where one of them ends and the next begins. Shakily, he lifts his hand from the control pad and lets it rest on someone’s – Lukas’, he thinks – back, and closes his eyes to let all the love soak into him and set him alight. 

After a few moments, he tugs away. “Ew, okay, there is way too much emotion in this room right now, my masculinity is feeling threatened. I’m out.” 

He reverses backwards out of the embrace, turns, and disappears through the doorway. Behind him, he can hear Lukas and Matthias laughing softly, murmuring, and Matthias saying, “Come here, baby,” and something that sounds like a kiss, but he doesn’t look back. He doesn’t need to. He knows that everything is going to be fine from now on. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Only one chapter left after this, folks ;-;
> 
> Quick question: I’ve been asked about making a sequel to this, focusing on the HongIce relationship, since that has been hinted at in the fic. Is that something any of you guys would be interested in? Let me know in the comments!
> 
> Please feel free to bookmark, comment or leave kudos! It would make my day!


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, folks: the last chapter ;-;
> 
> This is mainly an epilogue to the rest of the story, to tie all the ends together, so prepare for some serious fluff. There'll be a longer note at the end, but for now – enjoy!

### Chapter Seven

It would've been cold; sitting on a picnic blanket on the damp grass, waiting for the clock to count down to midnight, if Matthias didn't have his warm arms around him, holding him securely to his chest. He's sitting between Matthias' legs, his head tilted back against his shoulder to look at the stars that are partially concealed by a thin veil of mist. Emil has caught sight of a few of his school friends across the field and moved to sit with them, and Lukas can see their shadowed figures laughing and talking and waving glow sticks, their blurred silhouettes reflecting the dim light.

Lukas closes his eyes, breathes in. The air smells of smoke and anticipation.

"That's another year gone," Matthias says. His voice vibrates in his chest, his breath visible in clouds of frosty white. "It's been…a lot."

"Mhm." Lukas thinks back to where he was at the start of the year; stressed and lonely, in a job he hated, each day struggling to stay afloat with the knowledge that Emil needed him. He thinks about where he is now. "But I don't regret a moment of it."

"Neither do I."

They've been dating for six months now, and it would be a lie to say that everything has been perfect. They've had their fair share of arguments – Matthias being too eager to please, Lukas unable to accept his help after managing for so long on his own - but they've always made it through stronger. Emil has had two visits to the ER in the past few months alone, but it's easier now they have each other to hold onto. Matthias had travelled back to Denmark for a fortnight after the unexpected death of his maternal grandmother, resulting in nightly Skype calls where Lukas had listened to Matthias sob over the line about how he hadn't been good enough to her, about how he hadn't visited her enough, about how the last time they had spent together they had argued over his sexuality, and he had wanted nothing more than to take him in his arms and hold him, but he _couldn't_. He would give anything not to hear Matthias cry like that again.

But between all that, there are the good things. Every morning, waking up in a warm bed with the sheets rumpled and the mattress indented with Matthias' shape beside him, the smell of rich coffee drifting up the stairs; the tiring but satisfying days at the bakery, with a quietly supportive Berwald, bright, bubbly Tino and sweet little Peter, with complimentary pastries at the end of the shift "to take home to your boyfriend"; Matthias working his way up at the rec centre, from assistant coach to coach to team manager, teaching kindergarteners how to play football. He's started working with children with disabilities now, and nothing makes Lukas feel happier than when he brings him his lunch and watches them all laughing and playing together, free in a way they could never have been before.

And then there's Emil. He's fifteen years old now and a real teenager, going out with friends, talking on the phone well into the night and snapping at Lukas. He's become more independent than ever, and in some ways it hurts, because Lukas is used to feeling needed, but he's never been more proud than the times when he can step back and watch Emil grow into a brave, indestructible young man ready to take on the world.

So much has changed in these past few months. It makes his heart ache just to think about it, but he wouldn't change any of what they've been through for the world.

He's startled from his reverie when a cheer rises up from the crowd. Matthias leans close to his ear, whispering, "One minute to midnight."

"Oh." People are hurrying about at the end of the field, striking fuses. Children are lifted onto their parents' shoulders for a clearer view.

"We need to make a wish."

"Oh? I thought it was a resolution that you're supposed to make at New Year's."

"Maybe." Matthias' voice is coy, teasing. "But when have we ever played by the rules?"

And so, as the chanting begins, Lukas takes a deep breath and makes a wish.

Lukas doesn't close his eyes. He opens them wide as the first firework soars into the sky and explodes above them, sending tiny particles of stardust shimmering down to earth, a trail of fluorescent smoke in its wake. Then the next, and the next, and the next, firing off in quick succession, painting a nebula of light against the night sky.

A few fields over, another display begins – behind them, another illuminates the sky. All around them, people are hugging and kissing and crying because _this is it_. Lukas has no idea what this year has been for them, but now it is over and they're all starting again. Maybe, somewhere across the ocean, his parents are looking at the sky and thinking of him.

It doesn't matter. He has everything he needs right here.

"What did you wish for?" Matthias asks in a murmur, his eyes glued to the sky.

"I'm not telling you, stupid, or it won't come true."

"Fine. Then I'm not telling you mine, either."

"Fine." They pout at one another for a moment, then dissolve into soft laughter and melt against each other as muted fireworks continue to light up the sky.

"I love this," Lukas says, once the display has finished. Matthias raises his eyebrows.

"This?"

"Yes…just, _this_." He gestures around them, at the crowds of smiling strangers and the sparklers weaving trails of gold through the air; at Emil, sitting and laughing with his friends, by himself but not out of sight, and at themselves, sitting close together on a blanket on the grass, tiny and insignificant amongst the masses of people but still shining, like a star on a clear winters' night. "I want to do this again and again and again every year, and every year I want to feel like this."

"You will," Matthias promises immediately. "We will. In a year's time we'll be back here, together, looking up at the fireworks and not telling each other the wishes we've made."

"Oh, I don't know," Lukas says slyly. "I might decide to tell you what I've wished for, one day."

Matthias just sticks his tongue out childishly and holds him closer. "You know," he says. "Most people kiss at midnight."

"Oh well, it's six minutes past midnight now. You've lost your chance."

"Noo." He nuzzles his face into Lukas' hair. "But a kiss with the one you love is supposed to bring good luck in the New Year. We'll have bad luck if you don't."

_"Tch."_ He already knows he's going to kiss him, of course. Why wouldn't he? "Well, then, you'll have to make it a good kiss. I want _all_ the luck this year."

"Of course." Matthias takes his chin in his hand, tilts it upwards. Lukas turns to face him fully and brushes their noses together. "You know I would never let you down. I'm by far the best kisser."

"Oh really? We'll see. We'll see who has the best luck next year."

"It'll be me, it'll definitely be me." His breath is hot against Lukas' chilled face. Matthias leans his face closer and whispers in his ear, "I'm so lucky."

_No, I am,_ Lukas wants to say, because with Matthias here, he feels like the luckiest man in the world. But instead, they're leaning in and they're kissing; lips chapped and sweet with hot chocolate, intertwined fingers numb with the cold, breath warm in each others' mouths, hands moving slowly underneath thick sweaters; not hot and passionate but slow, serene, savouring every inch of each other and committing their love to memory. It's warm and radiant and deeply infinite, a supernova against a sky of stars, and Lukas thinks it could go on like this forever.

_**Fin** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, that's it. We have come to the end of the story. This is my first ever completed multi-chapter story, so it's been a really exciting journey to write, edit and publish this. Thank you so, so much to everyone who read this fic, especially those who commented, bookmarked and left kudos; it means a lot to me that others are able to enjoy and encourage my writing.
> 
> And of course, I want to say a huge thank you to Pasta and Sin, who did an absolutely amazing job of beta-reading this entire story and putting up with my bombardment of chapters to be edited. This story wouldn't have been the same without your advice and encouragement!
> 
> In the notes from the previous chapter, I asked about a sequel to this story. From your feedback, I can confirm that there definitely will be a HongIce sequel! I aim to prewrite it as I did with this fic, so it might take a few months, but stay tuned for that! This story isn't over yet! :D
> 
> Anyways, thank you so much to all you wonderful readers, and I hope to see you soon! Feel free to shoot me a message if you have any questions, requests, or just want to chat – I love getting to know everyone!
> 
> (Also, I just want to remind everyone that I have an account on FanFiction with several more fics which are not published here - if you enjoyed this story, feel free to check the others out as well!)
> 
> _\- NordicsAwesome_


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